7th November 2005
Situation beckons for another entry. Been having a talk with some people I used to know yesterday. It was this girl whom I once affectionately called my mum. Indeed, the relation wasn't all that important, and in fact throughout the argument, I kept my cool and the heated side was her.
Somebody told me about how my attitude sucked or something. Can't really comprehend about the whereabouts of that assumption. Let's just take it that not everyone likes the way I do things. I've asked a lot of people and it seems my attitude is fine with all of them. Perhaps it is how these people whom people call chatters who keep dwelling over past events and fix their damned conclusions over what biased viewpoints and defenceless assumptions they might have before. Indeed, I have my grounds. After all, I haven't been conversing on a personal level with these people anyway.
May i reinstate my point, that chat is but a thing of the past. Yet so many of these people still continue to recollect about it and rant on about the atrocities of it. Let's be more objective than subjective. Even if you start reminding me how people dislike me in the past, well it's in the past. Not that I deny that, I believe at that point of time my brain's still in its relative infancy and I hardly think as sophisticatedly as I do now. I don't bear grudges with people - as I don't see the purpose in doing so. After all, what's the use of making yourself angry and infuriated by the trivialities of life? In essence, losing contact with a chatter that I hardly talk to for how many years is like losing some dead skin fragment off my shin - I don't feel any pain.
Quit ranting about things that have happened before and insist that your point of view is straight. To make things worse, they get another person to further 'substantiate' their point, which makes their stand all the more worthless. Think about the head of state, who has no convincing ability of his own, standing before his audience, and abruptly interrupting his speech with "Don't believe me? Ask my secretary." That counts so much about the credibility of that rhetorical question ain't it?
Some people never change. Their attitude about life remains the same. It's relatively fine if they understood their stubborn behaviour, at least they bother to admit their mistakes. It's the fact that they still think in such child-like ways that the end-result is appaling - pointless accusations of the unknowing. They are still avid believers of the more is better ideology, even when it comes to superficial friends. I'm sure you would've heard of young children screaming at his or her enemy "I got more friends than you!!" or worse cases, "I don't want to friend you liao." Childish it might sound, yet some people who brutally dismisses people when they lose their case by saying, "F*** you la so-and-so" the essence is relatively equal in both literally or metaphorically. If people would learn. Looks like 1001 things in the world might go on a revolutionary or evolutionary change, but those who are stucked-up in their little minds and refuse to admit mistakes will not bulge an inch.
5th November 2005
I'm updating. Perhaps it might be the last entry on this blogskin. I've seen alot of faggots who drive around this car, RX-8, and yet are nanny-shifting like nobody's business. I always hear the blow valves releasing their gas so slowly everytime they shift - a clear sign of under-rev gear shifting. So I'm going to make a new site very soon, featuring flash animations. I want to differentiate my site from the "rest of the blogs out there", of course, considering if I've the spare time to do such a mammoth task.
Lately, I've been coloring up the team site. So far, there had been relatively positive comments, which I'm quite pleased actually. Though, it still seems like the site ain't gonna work as planned. So we'll just have to see how.
Look, I'm getting immensely infuriated by some idiots whom I should have never have spent time thinking abt how to solve her problems. I shall compose myself before I commence in this series of rantings, to avoid running into unnecessary discontentment. I dislike people who question my integrity. People who think I look down on people not in JCs. Young lady, mind what you say, I can easily charge you in court for libel, and sweeping accusations. I've never said anything relating to demeaning of ITE people. Let me get this across. Who knows, I myself might even end up there if I screw my As, so where does all those accusations come from? How absurd. I should renounce this: I do not look down on anyone and anybody except myself. I never doubt the abilities of anyone unless they themselves have no faith about themselves.
Thus exposes the slight flaw in the reputed Singaporean education system. Yes, I agree that no system is perfect, but I must say that certain loopholes exist in this near flawless system. The doing-away of the EM3 stream was definitely a step forward, and those DES (direct entry schemes) are a milestone in perfecting it, by placing less emphasis on results and more on hidden talents. We don't have much resources in this tiny country, and our only valuable resource is but ourselves - manpower. Yet, abolishing the stone walls of results-oriented studying doesn't really work. People in ITE and other institutes have low self-confidence. They might be tempted to think that they're stupid, lacking in talent, and hence they 'end up" in these institutes. Yet, the fact is, if they're in these institutes, it simply means they are giving a chance to head back to the general society. In fact, there had been many cases of successful ITE graduates who earn big bucks out in the market. What am I saying? The key to success is not whether you get to a good institution or not. The deciding factor leading to better life is hard work and self-confidence.
Another thing, are my words too profound for understanding? If you truly think so, then I'm afraid that I have to say otherwise. This language I use is known by three-quarters of the world, so how profound can it get. I dare not say that the English I use is proper or good, but I wish to emphasize that good english is not difficult and uncommon language. Very simple language can easily make for a good essay. The essence is personal style. I've my style too, and if you don't get what I'm saying, perhaps the style I use is very different from what you use. It's as simple as that. Quit annoying me saying how chim my language is, for that matter.
[/edit] I should commence this edit. You should noe who u are mei. The same way i know who you meant in ur blog. I don't blame you for the obsessiveness, cos I've experienced it before. From you sommore. But it's alright. You have your life, your rights to a guy and whatnot, and I respect that. Neither do I expect you to tell me all about your life, cos it's ur life and should be given due privacy. I know you care. I care for you too. But the thing is, I've decided that, any decisions you make from now is your sole decision. I've started to realise that whatever I say isn't going to change ur ideas about things. So in this aspect I'm leaving you alone. Don't ask why. You'll learn when the time comes. I'll try my best to understand you in ways I can, but when I don't know how you're feeling, don't utter stuff like I'm not caring for you. To the rest of the people who might be chancing this edited entry, here's to tell you. I treasure my friends/meis/jies/jiemei/brothers alot. They've become integral of my life. Though the way of caring may not appeal to all. I often take the rougher approach on things, I believe that I show care by preventing my friends from stepping onto the wrong road, than flooding each handphone inbox with daily greetings. I was misled once that was the right way to show concern, but it kind of backfired - I think some of you know exactly what I mean. So take it or leave it, I won't change the way i treat my buddies. As I've said before, if I'm not your particular glass of vodka, get another brand/drink or whatever.
2nd November 2005
I still can vaguely remember. This day two years back, when I am struggling through my first papers in O levels. Ironically, the same period came again this year, though a week back. The exams are just next week, and the days to the big As are countable with one hand, or maybe with an attached finger. It's drawing so freaking near, that I'm having nightmares every night, some ending myself as a repeat at NYJC, turning to poly or even walking through the entrance of ITE. Perhaps it's stress. I'm in a state of self denial, so I shall not fall to the onslaught of exam stress.
Been talking to Jolene just now. She's this mei of mine whom I used to be quite close with, but time and again she has become more and more distant by being uncontactable. I soon realised that she had actually stopped schooling. Interesting though, was the fact that I'm 2 years older and yet I'm still under the hood of a college. I think it's another case of obsession with boyfriends. I know how girls can be so devoted to their boyfriends. I still keep a boxful of the little things my ex made for me before. Stars, little cards and stuff. Very cute when I see them now, though every opening of the pandora box would bring back memories - some of which aren't supposed to be recollected, but yet they emerge like a submarine surfacing - out of the blue.
Indeed, days where chatter friends are good friends are no longer there. People, like me, have recognised the fact that chatters, even though we know of each other's existence (whether you like it or not), we don't know each other all that well. Believe me, the pathetic attempt of personalised emoticons was the furthest one can communicate feelings with another person. And it ends there. Even my closest mei - you should know who you are, sometimes I feel somewhat dumbfounded, and left out every time I see your blog. I don't belong in your life, I'm just the other side of the conversation. I don't know who you've seen, some things you do, and stuff. But I'm thankful though, there are some great friends I've till now, people like Melswee, Sherry, Yingru, Dinesh, Gerlaine, Fion, Claudio, Lisheng, Yumiko. That's astonishing perhaps, from so many people I once knew there are only a handful whom I should say are good friends to me. The bottomline? Chat is not a good idea to make friends, it just makes people more and more superficial.
I'm pouring with emotions now, despite the words that convey otherwise. It's unlikely I'll forget the chat outings I've went before, the feeling of being out of place, out of time. Should I run? Should I hide, for the rest of my life? No, I was once a MSN chatter, I don't deny it, but perhaps I should say, it ain't worth all the hoo-haa. It's just another phase of life, it has long ended. I should be glad I moved on.
1st November 2005
I was sitting in front of the television this evening, kind of a rare sight, for I'm always staring at the monitor typing away at an MSN window. My mom was watching this show called Kan Wo 72 Bian which depicted how a survivor like programme can show the immense disproportion of obese people in our fine country. By "treating' the contestants to various gourmet, they eliminate people who can't resist the temptation and take a bite out of the food. Believe me, the food is not bad. So there we have it, 20 plus people trying to outdo each other in a mini fasting session. How timely.
The thing is, obesity is but a phenomenon closely related to affluency. Take a look at the United States, where the obese population runs into double digit percentage points in certain years. The culture of cheap fast food and expensive healthier choices have left the poor with nothing but downing lumps and lumps of deep fried poultry. It's just pop culture, much worse that is. Even soccer stars (they aren't players, they are stars) like Mr Beckham have endorsed the wonderful white-blue-red soft drink. The popularity of ghee in India and lard in China, both developing countries, have shown that the two newly emerging powers have accepted fats and fatty food as a way of life even before they attained developed status. Obesity has become a social norm than a societal anomaly. But that has gradually changed, as beauty has been bonded securely to being slim. Still, obesity maintains as a problem that affluent societies needs to solve - education is almost useless.
Education serves just as a 'friendly' reminder. And it's being too friendly. Just look at that flimsy Health Ed textbook. It hardly has any content. Yet the other portion, the TAF, or Trim and Fit programme, is too harsh. Obese students become the butt of ridicule as name-calling became ever-popular - Ah Pui, Fatty Boom Boom, Fat ass - you name it, the words come out of their mouths. The childhood fear of being shunned due to physical size would escalate to a lack of confidence in future. The better tool to achieving a reduction in population obesity is life habits. And they are started right here, at home.
If parents would just exercise some thinking in their kids. I've seen children being fed with Teh Si, Teh Peng and other sorts of hokkien-sounding drinks - sugary and unhealthy. Worse, I've seen many fridges stocked up with more carbonated colorful drinks than milk (it's true), despite the large amount of houses visited house some 2 or 3 very young children. This culture has to change, and by the way, frozen drinks are almost a direct cause of asthma in young children. (Now you know why milk is always prepared in hot water.)
If you're reading this, happy birthday. I've prepared a gift, and I'm still trying to find means to get it to you. I won't say it directly to you, for I want to stay focussed on my exams. All the best for your PW and stuff, and please find a day to celebrate - it's not nice to postpone a birthday celebration for something as stupid as project work.
On a lighter note, hey melswee (: urrmms. You're obsessed with dressing dolls. Stay away from dem ya, they're evil. Learn to draw freehand, like me. Oh Mae I love u. Haha.
29th October 2005
Teenage radicalism - a force that is potentially more lethal than all the terrorists in the world combined. It is formed from a constant evolution of a new breed of teenagers, who centre themselves in the universe. I'm sorry fellas, but you aren't the centre of the whole freaking world. Their thoughts are so indoctrinated that they almost feel alone with the constant sense of being the spotlight, and that either you're with them against the rest, or they are against you. Terrorists sound all the more demure, after all, they mostly think the civilised world is unfair to them, but teenage radicalists, well, they think the whole world is.
Spend some time reading the blogs of teenagers nowadays. Go do a head count, or page count, how many are constant ramblings of complains and trivial matters in their lives? Worse, there are those who wish to outdo each other by protraying a defiant attitude towards the world, depicting themes that suggest their false inclination (or rather, kiddy-ish self-recognition) towards the dark side. Bloodscenes, patches of blood. The most common one would be about love, featuring baby pictures here and there. It's not about them giving me creeps in the middle of the night, it's the twisted presentation that destroys the meaning of being innocent. Innocent acts by small children are misintepreted as a sign of adult love. And the best part? When a relationship fails, the world seems to fall apart, and their hatred for the world jumps exponentially.
It's already become a social norm, that there are cases where radicalists turn into extremists. It has become a constant play being re-enacted every now and then, girl suicides when boyfriend leaves her, or boy suffers from depression and takes drugs: girl left him. And the best part? These radicalists become so weary of the people around them, (yes, family members included), that they shut themselves out, and refuse to divulge any feelings to anyone. The constant bottling of feelings may lead to severe mental inabilities.
Perhaps the media is to be blamed, for the culture of the west has swept newly developed countries like our small dot here. It is almost inevitable that we be those Westerners who bypass all their roots and adopt a whole new culture. A culture named globalisation. And the funny thing is, aptly put by my friend, those people who want to fight against globalisation, are so successful, simply because of globalisation itself. Muddling? Not exactly, it is due to the widespread influence of this newly formed culture that anti-Globalisation 'marketeers' are able to have a certain griphold of the people's attention. Indeed, globalisation is here to stay, and teenage radicalism is but another one of the symptoms of this gradual change - which definitely hastened in recent years.
28th October 2005
I hate my parents. It's official. I can forget about the issue about being called a dog, I'm already trying to get used to it. The point is I'm extremely sick of them bickering at each other for the simplest stuff. It's annoying. They seem to find entertainment in splurting the bad points of each other, calling each other names and simply like to yell at each other. Where do I stand? Trying to get out of the fight and focus on my studying. Yet I can't. I know, I should be more rational than that, knowing the weights of the upcoming exams against these insignificant arguments at home. And guess what happens? My dad always thinks he's the boss and he treats me like his subordinate than his son. Think about, "hey you go fetch my shoes." Or when I speak the way I always do, "What's with your damn attitude? You talk to your dad like that." Please, if you're pissed off with mom so be it. You don't have to inflict your damn anger on me. How old are you already? If you're still agitated over such trivial stuff, and unable to control your own freaking temper, then please DON'T talk to me.
I know I have reduced myself to blogging entries about my life and how bad it is, but the thing is, I can't help it. If you're in my shoes you would probably have to do the same. There's simply no other outlet to vent my displease over family disputes, and truth is, no one totally understands me. Not even my closer friends. So I guess I just have to pen all (or type all in this case) my feelings down here.
Yingru if you're reading this, don't be surprised if you don't see me online anymore. Don't bother asking the reason, I think u'd known better. I'm sick and tired. You know what? I'm beginning to see some truth in what JieWei wrote in his blog. Don't ask, especially before you start reflecting on your own behaviour and commence on complaining about how unfair the whole world is to you.
[/edit] If you think I've been a hypocrite I've nothing to say. Besides, if you denounce whatever I said before to you as purely a display of fake affection, well rot in hell you shall. 3 years of friendship, if you still think I'm a hypocrite and yet I stood by you against whoever who had wronged you, well I'm simply dumbfounded. A friend or even a kor is not someone who stands by you regardless of truth or ethics. Instead, a friend is one that points out your mistakes at the risk of spoiling the friendship. These are friends, not superficial faggots who go with anything you say. As I said before on the phone, right now you'll get nothing out of what I say, you'll have to wait till you're older. If you insist I'm such an incorrigible person who simply sides with people you dislike, then all I can say is, too bad so sad. I'm disappointed, utterly, that you've been blinded by the hatred you have for some people that you've included me in your little "I hate you" list. I know I'm a person who knows you almost inside out, after all these years. You even told me before that I'm the only one you can trust. So before you make any decisions perhaps you should give me a call and sort things out.
23rd October 2005
Just a short entry! I did the new site in a day! fast fast! I love my Mae <3.
22nd October 2005
It's less than 2 weeks to the A level, and yes I'm still online blogging. I don't see any point in revising anymore. The notes look the same each time I read it, and I ain't absorbing. Been reading my own previous entry too, and I wonder, how many people actually understood what I meant. Din sure understood, and had a little talk with his friend about it.
I'm not exactly in the mood for blogging actually, and I need to get back to the pile of books. Looking out the window I see birds. Lots of it, flying freely in the air and enjoying the lack of restrictions and boundaries. How blue is the sky you may ask, and his reply would be, the sky isn't blue at all, what you see on ground is just an illusion. Maybe it is, perhaps, and I have to be free to see the heavens above. In no time I shall, after this gruelling period, I would be released from the jail of the soul in the education system, where oppression seems to be the way to go to implement 'correct ideas'. I shall have one month of unconditional leave from this enclosure and ready to spread my wings to the world, after which, I shall be under more oppression. Such is life - funny, for those up there, yet unfortunate for those undergoing it.
To end off, here's a site to visit: a site I did over the two days and it shall become the official site of the team. Looks like I can't leave the team, at least not yet. A fragile child needs to be guided before he can commence on his first steps. I shall play the role of caretaker - again.
Introducing Stro and Mae! (: the two new ambassadors of the team. they will undertake the role of introducing the team on the website, stay tuned!
21st October 2005
Been reading dinesh's blog entry recently, after being informed of a new lengthy essay at last. Lots of thoughts though, but I shall just rant on about his main issues - sensitivity and objective in life; and selfishness.
In life we often say that humility is one of the things that makes us, well, human. In the recent report on the late M'sian PM's wife (very mouthful actually) the word humility and kindness almost was splattered throughout the page, be it the guy in charge of HDB or our own PM. I'm not commenting on the truthfulness of the grievances, but I want to point out that the world celebrates and worships humility as the outmost enlightenment one can attain. And one of the key things leading to humility would be sensitivity - the ability to understand unspoken words of another and know their plight. It is a skill, yes, but over-senstivity can easily lead to catastrophes by a deviation of the true meaning of communication. A slight misintepretation of spoken or written words can spark off massive disapproval, and sometimes it might even mean a jail term.
So is sensitivity so hard to manage? Yes and no. Being sensitive makes a very friendly and caring stature. It also induces thoughts about mental closeness among relationships, which is, of course a good thing. The word is control here. Over-sensitive people are almost totally a headache, as every puny thing you comment or say is registered in an alternative meaning, when most of the time, the phrasing may misle the listener. And these people will go on a cold war with you and doodling signals of disapprovals everywhere - their blogs especially. Yet, they don't tell you straight off, they just tell their friendos about their 'misfortune' and how 'unfortunate' they were in trusting these people. A lot of mess don't you think? That's the problem with sensitivity - over dosage is bad for health.
Life is a road, you got to keep walking. There's no point to stop and gaze. Putting competition aside, every single one of us is in a league of our own. Perhaps at a young age, it is virtually impossible to have a direction in life. Prematurely, kids would say their ambition - doctors, bus driver, or the garbage collector. Ambitions are different from a direction. Ambition is the end product, the ultimate goal. The direction is the accumulation of efforts to reach the goal, the ambition. To say it simply, we employ the use of an example. A person wants to be a street racer. Okay, so his ambition is to reach there. How? Have lots of money so he can buy himself a hot ride. And how is he going to keep have lots of money? By studying. And getting good grades will be the direction he is heading. Take a direction in life to be a checkpoint you want to reach in a short time span, a short term goal.
Everyone needs a goal, an ambition, and a direction in life. Otherwise life wouldn't be worth living at all. Meaningless, goalless and lifeless.
Believe me, humans are made to be selfish. Look around you. Selfishness is defined as the wanting of or the requirement of attaining personal gain. If it weren't for this special trait, there won't be any TV, computer, or even the electricity to read this damn entry. The workers all want personal monetary gains, and that's the reason you can click your way around here. No one is truly benevolent in this world. Yes, there are hundred and one examples of good souls now and then, like people who give up their seats to needy passengers, but that is not an indicator of total-unselfishness. Taking the same example, have you realised those in top school uniforms tend to give up seats more often? A sweeping assumption it might sound, but face it, no one wants to do something if there's nothing to gain. Even charity work, so-called, is selfish in nature. You know you want to feel good after doing that (personal gain), and so you feed the poor chap in a wheelchair (he's not disabled, just immobile). In this world, true friends who stand by you are hard to find. I'm sure your good ol' parents would ask you to befriend smart people than dudes with poor grades. You will think the same way. It's the norm. It's almost second nature. It is also the very basic instinct that creates our very existence. So face it.
So are we all scoundrels (note to GP students, 'jerk' cannot be used to replace the meaning of this word, neither can 'bastard')? No - in fact, most of us are quite the opposite. Though it is undeniable that selfish temptations do exist, a self-correcting mechanism in our little grey (or white) matter does exist. We all have a certain sets of regulations and contextual analysis systems that somewhat differentiates us from normal mammals, but draws us closer to viruses. We both have the intelligence to use other creatures for personal wants, and it can even mean the sacrifice of an equivalent being. Forget about the fact that we multiply the same way (metaphorically, of course. We don't divide by cloning ourselves, we aren't bananas and no we don't wear blue striped pajamas). But the distinction lies in our ability to suppress selfish-natured acts and perform the 'morally-correct' actions. The extent of the ability though, lies on many factors, which I won't explore here. The key is, we are all selfish, but it is truly your call if you want to make it control you, or the other way round.
So that's about it. I know it's kind of lengthy. Hope it's educational. Start penning your ambition now. Plan now. And stop scrutinizing the old man standing in front of you, while you're seating snugly in your cushioned olive green.
19th October 2005
In life we should never expect too much, for the more we expect, the more likely we get disappointed. I'm sure everyone agrees. Place your target too high and bang you're dead, for you'll never make it to the mark. Expect something special or something that people might do for you, don't, or you'll end up being furiously mad for their obscenely forgetful behaviour or plain ignorance. So in life I don't expect much. I've changed. I've got people I can talk to when I need to, I've got good ties with people I never thought possible. I feel fortunate being able to laugh the entire session at KAP today uninterrupted. It's really nice to be with people you can joke around with. I'm pretty glad, in fact, that I didn't neglect anyone in my humour. Not even people I'm not familiar with. But it was an enjoyable experience nonetheless. Be satisfied, Be2 Satisfied. And in no time you'll emerge a happier person.
Another phrase to remember for the day. Take it lightly. Not meant for important things that are worth more than a casual glance or a brief moment of attention, but it is especially so for relations. Today I was talking to a friend of mine at KAP. The topic came to a mutual friend, who seemed to be in the slums after his girlfriend, which ironically is a good friend of mine, left him. he didn't do well ever since that incident. He was way different in the past, and he's a top performer at his secondary school. I myself was in the doldrums just because of a soured relationship. Silly me. I have learnt, abide the hard way, that to get over such things is to take it like the wind - take-able and leave-able at an instant. Don't brood too much, even if it means alot to you. Learn to let go. Stop dwelling over what could have been done to salvage it, for in most cases the relation is near irreparable, even if you hoped you could have done otherwise. Perhaps that's just how things in life go. Discipline may be instilled in the process, but, don't go overboard with the let go thing, or you'll soon be labelled a heartless creep. Keep a balance between the two extremes, and amaze yourself and your peers with your mazing ability to adapt to new circumstances.
18th October 2005
Finally an entry (: Okay I just had the last day of school, well, it's the supposed last day of school. I didn't expect to take pictures though, so all I have are 1.3MP pictures of the happenings. Kinda sad, when my cam is there to rot at home. Note that the following pictures are unedited - can't be bothered to edit them anyway. Miraculously the pictures aren't that bad after all. Haha. Guess taking pics are fun after all. Those people who till now still have no idea who I am can go and figure out yourself. Damn I'm sooo unphotogenic. Oh well. Ugly people do exist. So ya. Take it or leave it! Ha. See you round. (click on the pictures to view the full version - 1280 X 960. The largest reso my pathetic phone cam can manage. =X)
The Guys in My Class minus Me. 16th October 2005 Dependence. Defined as the inability to count on his/her own powers to attain something. Be it career, emotional stability, or even life in general. I've been too dependent on other people - I always expect somewhere to be there for me when I'm down. It seems I have become extremely weak inside, and I'm nothing more than a weakling who requires someone else's encouragement to carry on life. Whenever I have problems I will become an all-round attention seeker, displaying tragic nicknames on the familiar butterfly program, or making a big fuss on my blog. The blog has become again a source of venting anger and allowing people to share my sorrows. I want to change that. I don't want to be a person so reliant on exterior emotional support. I'm sure I can still live on without much of other people's support. The thing is, I expect too much out of people. Simply of the fact that I always care alot about people, asling people about their lives, everyday happenings, and yet the things I get are "can you stop being irritating?" or simply asking me to bug off their lives. I must learn to be more independent. And stop placing so much emphasis on other people. I realise my life is centered not on me, but on the people around myself. The fact is that I always place my friends above me, and I always try my best to help or assist them - be it whether they deserve it or they are worthy. Perhaps it's in the hope of getting the favour returned that I perform tasks, or maybe it's just the way I treasure people around me. I'm not trying to be some attention seeker here. I just want you to know my feelings that's all. Believe it. I'm a very emotional person, even though most of the time I appear to be impartial and rational. I'm not an enlightened soul, not to that extent, I'm still human. And humans do have feelings. But in life we must be more objective than subjective. Things don't get done by biased viewpoints or cynical behaviour. As such, from this day onward, I wouldn't bother to say hi to people on MSN or whatnot. I don't really see the point. But, if you do need me I'm still approachable. Otherwise, I would just be online and acting like a mute. I don't want to go all emotional and start asking people redundant questions like how are you or how was your day. I don't know if people sound annoyed, but I don't think I really like to start conversations like that. I've been down and out these days. So please don't rub it in and start an avalanche of displease towards my behaviour. If you had been close to me you'd have known roughly what catastrophe happened in my life. Pardon my words, I still need substantial time before I make the change to a less dependent Mathew. Say hi. 15th October 2005 I haven't really notice the magnitude of change in me. People say I've really changed, especially in this two years. I can't say I hardly know the reason why, for I believe the difference in character is still too significant to go unnoticed. Indeed, life has taken its toil on me throughout these two years, and it is because of the environment changes that yield this. I've been too pampered in my secondary school years, where everyone is truthful in both their comments and rantings, and there is, at most, minimal hideous behaviours observable. No much masks can be seen being worn. So I always thought, everything was just what I see it ain't it? It seems the world is very far from that, in fact, the directly opposite. Come RJC and I got a natural culture shock. Ten years of being in a Chinese - oriented school has made me somewhat inseparable with the Chinese language in daily communication. The rather jumbled combination of students in this school leads to a forced call for a change. The conversion was hard, but I have to say it was worthwhile, since I don't think I can possible survive with my former view of life. Besides, the world is definitely larger than the small chinese speakers in Singapore, so consider it a lesson learnt. Language wasn't really the main issue around here. The catalyst that sparked an entire change of ethics, views and orientation would be the fact that people in college are more masked. Meaning, they tend to cover up their innermost feelings with a shield, a physical barrier, which prevents entry from any person. Their actions may be directly in opposition to their thoughts, yet there is no way we can tell. Perhaps I've learnt it the hard way, and it is through this that I probably acquired the skill of assumption and gut-feel - 'cause the basic instincts are that reliable in the real world. I've changed to a much better person I hope. The childish, rebellious nature has long left me, now I settle disagreements by civilised discussion. Violence is never an option. I don't argue with people as much as I did before, unless, they mean alot to me and my points concern other related subjects as well. I might be said as being more civilised, yet I have attained (unfortunately) the skill of being increasingly cynical. I disapprove of many minute things, even things that I've once dismissed as perfectly acceptable or not worth my time. Guess that's what our dear education system wants to instill in us? An everlasting lust for complaning? Indeed, I think my writing has become a little more matured than past gibberish rantings, with specks of obscene grammatical mistakes that are shoddily dismissed as Singlish-fied, and I think a little more intellectual. Rather than scolding about the ridiculous acts of people around, why not beautify the language a little. And so there I have it, better written entries. I do hope that this change in language style is evident and that it has not become a torturous act to comprehend the 'essay'. I don't know if many have known me long enough to witness these changes in my character. So do let me know if this entry is truthful or otherwise highly misled by the little instincts in my mind. P.S. I finally went to SAJC even though I was supposedly studying. Surprise surprise. And yes I finally entered into NJC archives - a place that was NEVER open to the student population, at least not once in my 2 year stint in this school. 13th October 2005 Yeah yeah I'm the asshole, again. You read my blog, yes, you understand the words. But do you even know how hurt I am when I'm typed that? Read between the words can? I doubt you'll ever see this line 'cause you would've barred yourself from accessing here. I must indulge myself in studying. The more I think, the more silly stuff I do (like writing the previous entry), the worse it gets. So might as well keep studying and forget about it. Today has been relatively eventful. Did lotsa stuff. Went to school early in the morning for some Bio, did TJC Prelim for Maths 2005, did Econs and stuff. I am hynoptising myself to spur on and concentrate, though random thoughts just kept dotting like a mosaic in my brain. I seriously think too much. Oh well. Guess life's just like that. Full of ups and downs. Again readers have commented that they're bored about my useless rantings of hidden messages that, well, stay hidden and not realised, so that's it, I'm writing more about other stuff instead. Don't say I don't listen to readers' comments. 12th October 2005 All's been said has been said. And yet i don't have any fucking idea what went wrong. Do you see fun and joy in seeing me in such a desolate and helpless state? I sure think so. Don't you love seeing me sad yet not knowing why am i feeling sad? It's really disgusting. Just say, if you want me out of your life, say so. A push of a few buttons and you can do whatever you want. My jie was right, why should i be so agitated and so worked up? She told me if she doesn't really care then I shouldn't keep dwelling on it. Have you even stepped upon my blog every since August? I doubt so. Even if you did, I believe you are laughing heartilly away at a foolish brat who is dumb enough to treat you so nicely. Isn't it fun to see a person being reckless tortured and emotionally wrecked just by not talking to him? What joy. And what entertainment - definitely better than desperate housewives. I know you. Your habits, your behaviour, yet I have no means of comprehending your thinking process. Oh well. Why am i dedicating entry after entry to her anyway. I'm bored. Seriously bored. And I'm sure my readers are as well. This shall be the last. We stay as friends? I don't even think we can EVEN be friends in the first place. You distrust me, you toy with my feelings, you ignore people with no proper reasons, you call that friendship? I call it distorted and a mastery in the art of fact contortion. I've been down and yet all you do is just, wow, ignore ignore ignore ignore. Or rather, escape escape escape. If I were in any position to state any point, it would be that being an escapist doesn't solve problems. Problems are irritating and difficult to handle, so you're just gonna sit there and wait for them to un-tangle themselves? Totally without any intervention? In your dreams, bud, oops i meant, in your dreams. Things in life just don't work that way. Do I want to go back to what we were, of course I want. But it seems it is you who doesn't want it. So okay. There's not much fun clapping with my one hand. You can wait for all you want, and it's very likely I will never come back to you again. EVER. 10th October 2005 After a long entry, it's time for a relatively shorter one. On a lighter note, I got back my auto book! At long last, it's been sitting at one corner of RJ for like god knows how long, but yes it's back in my hands. Not going to comment much, just a little thank you for writing for me. Really grateful for you are all writing for me. But I want to say something is that in life you really shouldn't be overly optimistic 'cause you will never be satisfied. You'll forever be in that sorry state blaming yourself this and that for not achieving what you want. So be pessimistic and you will be happier, especially so if your targets are almost unattainable (even if you jump with a trampoline). Oh today not only did I like went RJ to get my book, I relived a few moments back then during orientation with all the dancing. I thought I know every step still, but it seems I don't. I don't belong there anymore, so there's really no point in going back anymore. The faces of even ex-classmates looked damn hostile and unfriendly. It's no wonder, for RJCians are known for looking down on other people, but not to the extent of being snobbish a la another Westernized school near Buona Vista. Okay back to happy things. Met with Cindy, Lee Han and Weizhen whom were primary school mates. Sounds unrealistic and dramatic, but it's solid facts! The mass crapping session was lightening, for it seems even thought it might have been wasteful and redundant use of time, but the thing is we talked just like last time. It's amazing when you come to think of it, the years of exposure to the REAL world outside, different secondary schools, and when we're put together, the talking is endless. It really made my day, despite the tragic start of the difficult decision, thanks guys. It's really a feeling I haven't been experiencing for quite some time already. "Don't go one big round to come and soot me okay." "Eh I got 26 upon 100 damn lihai already leh. I like never attend lessons la." Haha. So interesting. 
Mr Davidson.
Mr Gilbert Lee - My current econs tutor.
Bao Rui and his buddy.
(from top left)Vincent, Me, KK and Peng.
Merissa. Miss Hello Kitty.
Me and Miss Heng. +100.
Sum Mara and Me.
Bunch of gay boys. Haha.
"Eh boy no shooting here please."
I've decided to break all ties with her. Reason? I feel I've been hurt to deeply, so I have to drag myself out of the shithole and start anew. Yes this sounds crude but when you're at the bottom of the sludge-tank, well, you get the meaning. It's really hard for me to make that decision okay. It hurts. It really hurts. Especially the fact that we've been such good 'siblings' for such a long time, the cut is just raw. Instead of letting you rub in more salt into it I decided to get away from you. I'm too sad and upset to comment anymore. Maybe I'll change my mind, but that'll be after As.I don't wanna do that anymore. There's not much point.