21st May 2006
I wished I was a more rational person. I was supposed to be happy. I have finished 9 weeks of torturous training.. and only one week left to go. Yet I'm not. Not even slightly contented. Everything just becomes extremely fucked up the moment I step foot onto army soil. My life is turned upside down. I lost the passion to care for people, talk to people and understand other people. I just fuck whoever who comes in my way or do any mishap. It's just the way it is. I've changed. Into someone who doesn't give a damn about reasoning and understanding to get things done. The reason? Thousand and one mishappenings have befell on me ever since army started. I developed some skin allergy, which makes my face and arms dotted with inflammation whenever there's heat or unclean environments. It's not very serious, and people hardly see it, but I can feel it everytime I head back to the jungle. Scorching pain across my back and itch I can't possibly hide with talcum powder. I screwed up my A levels with zero As but a whole freaking string of Bs. I got posted to SISPEC Charlie company. No nights out, fierce training, and the list simply goes on. Now the stress continues to build up as some important decisions becomes awry. Supposedly I was ready to take myself to pursue pharmacy in NUS, and guess what happened? Straight rejection right in my face. Science? FUCK YOU. That's like the most common degree you ever see, you see it on textbooks, you see it on some goddamn children book for god's sake. NTU suddenly sounds much more viable.. with a course in Biological Chemistry. The tragedy doesn't end there. I was supposed to take on my dad's company's scholarship, just to keep my dad in his job. Ridiculous? Hardly. Knowing my dad's character he might just quit the company just because he finds it too boring. His dreams (and it's gonna be a dream after all) to be his own boss becomes so overwhelming sometimes that we fear we're gonna starve the next day. (okay, exaggeration.) Don't forget he's the sole breadwinner of the family. My sister is getting married soon, and that also means I'm going to lose her as well.. soon to a Gan family.
If I can just suck thumb and swallow that up, well I must be some kind of freaking divine. Just to add, alot of people no longer talk to me once I entered NS. Even though the friends I make in NS way compensates for those lost, the people who now don't really talk to me are those I used to care for. Used to. Used to worry for. Talk to. COunsel. Teach. All these are just flushed down the freaking drain. Spanking clean. Now I finally understand the true meaning of the army cheer we sing almost everyday, "I don't wanna live an army life! I just want to lead a simple life!"
FUCK YOU. PATHETIC LITTLE BASTARDS/BITCHES WHO DON'T EVEN GIVE A SHIT. FUCK YOU AND YOUR ATTITUDE.
13th May 2006
Hello! First time two consecutive blog entries! I've got the urge baby, because it's been somewhat a happy day. This might be one of out of very few bloging about my daily happenings, simply because it's worth sharing. The day started at 5.30am. I had to go down to Selarang camp for this Chemical Biological Radiological Explosive Unit (CBRE, what a mouthful) at 36/39 SCE for some selection test. You must have seen those idiot looking puffy suits that make you think that normal army gear FBO are the lightest things on earth. Those marshmallow looking suits cost a bomb, okay, it protects you from them too. It's 20kilos without the oxygen tank, and easily exceeds 40 with the oxygen tank on. Insanity. Imagine running up and down staircases - which I did, and doing a stupid IQ puzzle at the end. The visor i.e. the glass piece in front of my face was so fogged out by the time i reached the final station I couldn't make out what I was doing. haha. Doesn't matter, for those kind of anti-terrorist heroism is not for me.
The day was a rush.. I actually went to Tanah Merah MRT toilet to change from smart no 4 (i.e. the army uniform with short sleeves) to normal go-out attire. In 9 mins I was done, fumbling for the phone and ramming the keys to get to Qin Fang mei. haha. She was in city hall! Bingo. So I suggested walking around with her for a while. It was only a 30 min walk around citylink, but there was simply so much to talk about between the both of us. Talk about telepathy and closeness. Ha. Definitely she turned prettier, but still an ideal target for making fun as before. For that 30 mins I live free, happy, and glad, for she is one of those girls I really love from my heart. As a sister of course. So don't get me wrong. What's more, it has been 4 months since I last saw her, so it's quite an experience.
The good stuff doesn't just end there! High tea at Goodwood Park Hotel. Bliss. Fondue. Western Pastries. Ice Cream. Croquettes. Caviar. Salami Nibbles. Mini Pizzas. Not the stuff to fill your stomach, but the mild sweetness and delicate nature of these foods makes you feel loaded.. not physically but in your pockets. It's class - the ambience (pronounced em-bee-ounce), the German-chinaware (what an irony), the music, the service, and the spotlight.. THE FOOD. Wonderful afternoon tea it was. It does burns holes in pockets. Indulgence comes at a price.
The fun doesn't just end there. I went to Sim Lim with the folks, chanced to see the SOny Ericsson S700i.. You know.. the first twist phone. It's nice la, and it's one of only 3 CCD camera phones. All you monkeys are using subgrade though energy saving CMOS cameras (yes, that 2.0Megapixel one is still subgrade). Guess what the shopowner said? 520 wtf? That's seriously a cut throat price la! The adventure continues with a sudden voice when I was walking aimlessly around.
"Eh, never see me ar."
It was 2LT Glen Chia, my previous platoon commander. It's interesting how fate works. Really. A short catch up session began, though most of the time I was looking at his girl. I wouldn't say she's hot or anything, just very plain jane. AS in, her looks are average, but her dress sense is a little outlandish.
Okay, enough of adventures of Mathew. I just got an sms from Melswee for Mother's Day. How sweet. Wishing all mothers a happy mother's day - you all deserve it for all the hard work you all went thru!
12th May 2006
I love BoA. I love my dotters so much. Haha. Enough said. The girl behind is BoA, in case you didn't know. It's a screenshot from the background song's MTV, with a little touch up and tweaking of course.
It's been another week or so already. Just been through one of my exercises i.e. field camp. It's very tiring, especially when you're the commander. Sleep is somewhat an unheard word down here, and believe me, Tekong mosquitoes have the reputation of being the most deadly. I'm beginning to see why we're forced to take Meflorin tablets (anti Malaria pills to the layman). Let me tell you folks who've no idea. Mosquitoes in tekong are combat trained. I've seen mosquitoes drill through my army uniform and poke me in my arm. Aedes mosquitoes in the morning and Andopheles mosquitoes at night. Dengue vs Malaria. Let's see who is the lucky one haha.
Something happened today, and it's been repeated how many umpteen times. It's almost a vicious cycle. Breakage. Swearing. New guy. Breakage. Life is all about that? You gotta be kidding. Life's more to that. Army made me learn that the a partner of the opposite is not a necessity. Not suggesting homosexuality though. But thing is, there are more important people that need my attention. My parents who till today support me care for me, my blood sister, and all those good friends that pray for me and care truly for me. I don't ask much from people. I only want people to keep their word for everything they say. That's it. Someone that breaks her trust will not easily get off the blacklist. Petty? Everything has trust in its foundation. Once it collapses, the pillar is gone, the infrastructure.. well, BOOM. Not going to rant further. It wastes my precious bandwidth of the site.
2 more weeks and I'm a free man! I can't wait!
6th May 2006
Everybody loves to bitch and moan. It's almost an inbuilt humane ability that spans across ages and centuries of human civilisation. A single mindset of disagreement can easily lead to an argument, uprest, and in more extreme circumstances, war. Let's not talk about the big picture. People all around us are guilty of complaining of the simplest and most trivial. Yups, that's you and me included pal. We groan about traffic conditions, curse and swear at the teacher who gave you more work, threatening to kill the OC who acts in a bastardy way, and so on. To make things worse, homo sapiens as young as less than a year old moan about a wet diaper.
It's not that I want to make a big hoo-haa out of this, but thing is, perhaps if everybody just shut up, suck thumb, and move on, the world would be a better place. It doesn't make sense keeping mum about obvious happenings that seem to contradict morals, but it jolly well makes LESS sense bitching about every single mishappening. Imagine that everyone complains by writing a letter for every mishappening or misfortune they encounter, whoa, even all the hard disks, flash drives, DVDs or whatever storage system in the world combined would be enough for Singaporeans alone. Okay, exaggeration. But take a look at blogs like Xiaxue, and those of teenage girls, and you'll realise they all commit the same crime of clogging up the damned internet. Have you ever wondered how much the net slows down nowadays? It ain't your ISP, so don't blame em. Blame bloggers like us who bitch and moan and clog up your friendly internet neighbourhood.
Enough of this junk already. Time for some snapshots of my life. Went to IMM to look for some furniture for my sister, caught up with Huimin jie and watched M:I III. That about sums up today. Tomorrow is book in day, and it seems like I'm already dreading it from now. Not bitching, but just something I don't really look forward to, especially when my first field camp in sispec charlie is coming..
5th May 2006
I just came back from camp, many thanks to the upcoming elections - something that's out of the blue, but makes you feel very thankful. This week has been quite eventful, and I don't want to elaborate much.. probably cos i'm too tired to. Half dying, abrasion wounds and yes extreme fatigue. I've done my Charlie 16km which was a fast march rather than a route march, and I've passed my Civil Defence package. Tear gas, by the way, doesn't only make you tear but also scorches your face till you can't see. So yah. next week, it's hello Tekong again, with our field camp. I don't know what to expect, but I heard it's gonna be tough. Hope I survive!
29th April 2006
Perhaps I should make a change. It's the 3rd one with BoA's picture. Her voice has been accompanying me since the start of my specialist trainee term at Pasir Laba, and she's been tiding me over the worst periods of my life: Shiong training, no breaks, no admin time, and worse still, jungle proning and lack of sleep. A combination of that would easily mean knockout for the average joe. Her songs somewhat calms me down, soothes the soul, and gives me the power to move on.
It has been only a week since my last bookout, but it already seems like a month. Perhaps it's the long outfield that starts before daybreak and ends just before midnight. Believe me, the terrain isn't all that wonderful as SOP has promised. It's rocky, thorn-y (there's no such word. ha.) and filled with Aedes Mosquito. READ: Aedes Mosquitoes. Those zebra-mosquito cross-breeds.. which carry the most dreaded Dengue fever. I hope I won't end up as one of the "lucky" ones though. Then again, despite all these obstacles, I've finished most of the stuff I need to know on section training. Somewhat.
I was thinking of meeting alot of people this weekend bookout, for it's a 3 day holiday. I won't waste it away on people who simply didn't really bother if I went anywhere or went missing, a mistake i committed last time. I should just spend quality time who appreciate my presence. I may be speaking like some casanova who goes out with girls very often, but believe me, I don't. I only go out with those few whom I'm close with. And it's not a go out but rather a meet-up. Just to catch up. So shut up. After all these ups, and downs, one thing's for sure. I'm not a damn flirt. So yeah.
I'll be off for now, till the next entry!
22nd April 2006
[Adapted from a written entry]
I would love to brag about today's happenings, or rather, yeseterday's happenings. because it's already past midnight. The day before I was still trying to calm myself down, I felt extremely awful that I wasn't allowed to bookout on Saturday due to a retest. Helo? It's a university admission damn it. Not some joker trying to smoke his way through training ya noe.. I was told to find the OC.
In came the OC part. I was thinking about how small the chances were that I can successfully get out, He did, unexpectedly, but thing is, when I returned back to company line, I was told to book out at 6.30am. Like, it's only a few hours away from the start of the freaking interview! Though, I wish to say that it's just another one of those pros and cons thing. I will analyse later.
And guess what? The idiocracy doesn't just stop there. Section 3 was getting screwed from the start to end.. with no apparent reason. Okay truth be told, there was a reason, but not something that requires hurling of expletives as though they were blank rounds. Wei sheng was late and slow for almsot everything. Eating, sleeping, falling in, technical handling, and ... more. The thing is he doesn't seem to learn anything - even being LSC doesn't help at hastening his pathetic pace of doing things. It's already past one whole month, and yet it seems that he's simply bo chap rather than being safely labelled a slow-learner.
I would seriously love to share a little relevation. Trainees are like men. They need to be encouraged, motivated, loved and cared for in order for them to comply with commander's instructions. Personally I feel that constant and repetitive verbal lashings do nothing but promotes rebelling and incompliance. THe worst part of all? It gives men a low morale. And low morale eventually leads to unwillingness to obey orders. A vicious cycle will hence commence, alternating between verbal whacking, low morale, and low performance. Who's to suffer? The commanders themselves of course.
The hierachy is seriously just a ladder.. When the first person up there snaps his rung, he falls and lands on the person behind. THe process simply continues much like a pack of dominoes (click.. clicli cli cli cli cli click.) And where does all these come from? The inability of the commander to care for their trainees when they need the most. It simply brings back one question, are they fit and correctly-trained to be commanders?
A point to make, i was actually lucky to get out at 6.30, simply cos of a) the rain, b) the takan-ing by sergeant, and c)ability to catch some sleep, and lastly (yes I used two &s) d) time to pack. So yah, things alwaes comes in pairs - good and bad. And I still got SOC next week. God Bless Me.
15th April 2006
It's been damn long since I last loaded up an entry. Not that anyone cares to read or whatnot, for the blog is just somewhere I express my thoughts. Currently I'm in a damn awful mood, simply because I might be called down tomorrow for guard duty - something you won't want to have on a beautiful sunday. it's only a few hours earlier than the rest, but I don't want to do that. Reason? My buddy is the one who's getting punished (believe me, the reason is crap), but I'm not willing to suffer in his place. Selfish I know, but who doesn't want a peaceful Sunday afternoon not in camp?
Anyway, life has been quite alright in Charlie company. Other than the occasional jokes about the bus poster from the movie, which reads "Charlie is lucky to be here." Amen to that. Not that I've converted myself into a saddist, but I've learnt to take life easy - the hard way. Just to clarify, and to entertain those who have no idea what army language is like, here's a sneak peek, but don't say where it came from. Here goes, army language 101:
*Kangaroo Kanna/Tio Spotlight: used to describe a stunned face, often after shocking news. e.g. Wah, look at that guy, here got confinement then his face liddat, kangaroo kanna spotlight.
*SISPEC: short for school of infantry specialists, or informally, Suffer In Silence and Prepare for Extra Confinement.
*Extra: 1)Refers to extra duty, mostly due to mistakes committed that are not paramount. e.g. Wah sian, forget to bring pen then kanna extra. 2)Redundant acts; doing of redundant and additional work e.g. Eh you know you damn extra not
*Chiong Suah: means to bash through and do all sorts of physical training e.g. I heard OCS is all chiong suah one, true not?
*Book In/Book Out: used to describe the entering and leaving of camp; its usage comes from the book in/book out book, a book to be signed for such purposes e.g. Ho Seh ar, tomorrow bookout liao.
*Fuck you understand: A common term used by sergeants, especially Malay, to express anger towards a trainee's mistake. e.g. You don't know how to fire, fuck you understand?!
*Stand by Area/Bed/Universe: the latter is most feared, all mean cleaning of the area for inspection e.g. Eh 0700 standby area!
*Reville: wake-up time e.g. 0530 Reville, understand?
*Strip Weapon: Take out the parts of /Disassemble a weapon. E.g. Firers, strip fifle!
*AGR: ability group run, meaning running constantly and at hell of a pace for 25mins.
I think that's about it. I'm seriously very tired. If I'm free tomorrow I'll blog again. Ciaos! P.S. i lub u too dotter! (:
26 th March 2006
Life is Charlie company is close to insanity. Insanity is a term used for OCS, not sispec. So close. THe officer commanding is truly a freak. He jokes around and yet he's an asshole. Imagine other companies coming out of camp as early as 12.30pm, while stayed until 1930 hrs. Yes. Alot of difference. Tonight I go in at 8.15pm. They go in at 10. Sometimes it's really ridiculous why I had to suffer so much when at the end of the course we're all getting the same rank. The standby before we left was horrid. THings thrown all over, and lots of push-ups. Sorry for this avalanche of army terms - I'm in no mood to decipher them for you. Ask around and you'll get it. Charlie company has been reputed as the most crazy company in the whole of SISPEC. Shit already happened. So all we have to do is just suck thumb and move on. I'm getting ready to miss a whole bunch of people.
Enough of army stuff already. I think it will bore people to death. Anyway in the midst of hard training I was talking to Gerlaine on the phone. Sometimes teachers can seriously be bastards - especially when all they wish for is to keep their freaking rice bowls. What about the future of the student? They just don't care for their students. They screw up their future, and yet they get away, while the poor 16 year old struggles on with life. Selfish that's what I think. Perhaps the whatever NIE crap should teach teachers (ironic huh) what ethics are.
19th March 2006
I got the latest posting results. I was going to SISPEC: School of Infantry Specialists. I know, alot of people thought I would have ended up in OCS Officer school, so did I. But I didn't. I'm somehow having mixed feelings over this news. I'm glad I don't have to undergo such strenuous amount of mental torture and whatnot, though I'm quite disappointed despite doing well in SIT test and whatever I was not cut out to be an officer. Oh well, guess life is never left without a speck of irony. I'll be gone tomorrow, embarking on a new phase of NS life. TIll the next entry, which I think wouldn't be anytime soon, all the best and take good care!
16th March 2006
I'm back! Ha. From a short trip to HongKong. Finally I've some time to settle down and upload the hundreds of pics I've took in the past week or so. So, sit tight, don't grip the mouse too hard, and watch the photos! Note that the pictures are optimised i.e. compressed, so the quality is quite lousy. If you want can order them from me. First up would be pictures from my passing out parade
Next up will be some civilian wear pictures:
[edit]Today has never been a more tiring and waste time day. Early in the morning I found myself at the doctor's place.Apparently she gave me some medicine to cure me, yet in the end my cough got worse. The flam was gone indeed, but the coughing was terrible. I've no idea if that's a trade off or what.
Just to sidetrack a little, I am feeling very lethargic, yet filled with emotions. At Hong Kong I visited my grandmas. My paternal grandma is already showing signs of parkinson's, and my uncle painstakenly took her to meet us at restaurant. After the dinner, I walked her back to the bus interchange. The rest simply walked ahead. I tried not to look at her, for that might easily hurry her on. She's already limping with her walking stick. I just looked elsewhere as I paced her throughout. The distance isn't very long, but I could see how hard she's trying to catch up with the rest. At the end of the journey, she told me "Ngou zai (little cow in cantonese), please take care." "I'll be back in 2 years, not to worry." "I don't think I can wait until then." The last sentence struck me, I almost wanted to cry. I uttered "You must wait for me." I don't know if this will be the last time I'll be walking the distance with her, neither would I know if she's still there when i return another 2 years down the road. But I still felt that short walk isn't enough, and I'm not filial enough to truly care for her.
I also went to visit my grandfather's grave. I can't help it. Everytime I glance at the photo there's an inner gush of emotions. I can't help but cry out loud. It's really saddening, I tried to control many times so that I won't affect my mother, but I can't. I'm too emotional a person. Rationale isn't a word for me then. I miss him so much. Every time I return I would be invited into the house by him, and him asking me how my studies were. Every time I call back I would hear both his and my grandma's voice. Since 2002 I didn't. Since my birthday that year. The year my birthday turned into something not worth celebrating. The day I cried not in joy but in ultimate sorrow and sadness.
I wanted to venture out today, walk around in the malls of Orchard, but it seems the drowsy medicine is holding me back. I slept the whole damn day. I asked a few people if they were available, but most of them aren't. So too bad, perhaps it's best I stay at home, rest, before I go out again tomorrow.
I noticed that my social circle is very much dwindling. Not because I'm losing friends, but I kind of lost interest in talking to people online. I ask about their welfare and some basic stuff. In essence, I've run out of things to say to people. I don't know if this is a sign of depression or whatnot, but the thing is, I yearn for replies. So badly, that it's instinctive to reach for my phone every now and then. I don't sms people that often nowadays, for I don't see much point. Unless they really care, I won't get any messages, so why would I bother. I know I sound really depressed. Maybe it's the effect of medicine.. Maybe it's just me, my psycho health is perhaps dipping past rock bottom levels. I guess I'll have to tide through this period.[/edit/]
11th March 2006
Finally I've completed my Basic Military Training. BMT is done and over with, and I've become a private than a stupid recruit. The actual day was full of stunts and fun. It all started with a massive sabotage mission on one of our bunk mates.. someone who is preoccupied with his phone and never participates in cleaning of the room. The infuriation built up over a period of 2 months was so immense that it took a gigantic mission to ridicule him. The best part? He din get injured badly, yet a few of our men suffered cat scratch wounds. As you can understand from the word cat wounds, you'll be able to decipher the tactics this pathetic guy used to defend himself. What a pussy.
The day continued with the parade and stuff. Quite usual for me, but apparently some guy from another company fainted, which was quickly accompanied by gasps of disbelief by the audience at the grandstand. I could almost anticipate if another guy falls, all the parents will rush down to the parade square. That about summarises the major happenings that day.
Passing out parade marks the end of BMT, but it also signals the end of a babysitting period. It also marks the end of living with a bunch of your new buddies, which is kind of sad actually. There's an old chinese saying "there's never a ball that never ends", so perhaps it's time to move on to future postings. Indeed, 2 months is really short, but the shit we went through (those who are in my company would know the incident by heart), takan-ing session and whatnot, are easily snapshots of life that will keep inside us. Everytime someone mentions about NS the times in BMt will roll out like steam roller, and the many happenings and silly antics will come like a sweet cup of coffee - the aftertaste is still wonderful.
I'm flying off to Hong Kong in a few hours time, so in the mean time, do take care, I'll blog more about it when I return!
5th March 2006
Ah. Finally the day has arrived. The book in - book out day. Same day coming out and same day going back in. It's a cute experience really, for you get to keep the whole day out of camp and just go back to sleep. I'm not getting perversed views of life, but sometimes it's always better to look on the brighter side of life.
Took some time on the computer blog surfing. Went around reading their trivialities of everyone's life. Never have I found so much interest in the day-to-day journal entries, which were dismissed as excessive dramatic accounts of life's atrocities. Perhaps it's because everyone else seems to have a "LIFE", or has more "LIFE" than me. My life has been reduced to 0530 0545 0630 and so on, followed by acronyms like AGR SOC IPPT and whatever. Terms alien to the civilian world has become daily greetings to fellow recruits.
BMT is already drawing to a close. I spent my first birthday in camp. It's nothing to be worth celebrating, for something happened on the same day some time ago, which I don't wish to elaborate[ ): ]. For these three years it has been spent on 3 locations. 3 schools. RJC NJC BMTC. The last one's not a college, but well the Cs simply make it up. On wednesday I will become a private (that's a rank folks.). I'm still finding it hard to get accustomed to being the lowest rung ("rank" as pronounced by some japs) in the military "food chain". Oh well, guess I'll have to work my way up once again.
st March 2006
This is one of the most meaningful and stressful judgement days in my life. The results wasn't pleasing at all, in fact, it was totally disgusting. Outrageously I obtained nothing more than a couple of Bs and Cs. No As? Yes no As. Unbelievable? Very. How many hours have I toiled myself in the midst of exam papers from numerous schools? How many so-called TYS have I gone through? How many sample essays have I read? NUMEROUS. It's insanely waste of effort. I've no more words left for this disgusting scene. I wonder the various "spotting" events of the tutors work for the new syllabus. I've said enough.
Thanks to whoever who comforted me during this daunting day. Especially to those who came purposely to me to ask how I was. It's really touching. Thank you Rachel. Thank you Vicky. Thank you Lauren. And as for those who smsed me comforting messages, you probably did way better than me, so here's congratulation to you. Make sure you choose your course of study correctly and hope you can get to where you want.
I doubt I can get into the course I want, those who know me well would know where I want to go. Pharmacy. Looks like pharmacist and whatever drug dealing crap is not the life for me. So too bad. Perhaps psychology or social science is the way to go for me. Indeed, it is quite hilarious to see myself attaining more than a C for my maths, but it's appalling to see my most proud subject economics getting a pathetic C. Oh well, you can't have everything in life can you?
19th February 2006
I was struck with awe the moment the OC announced the end of our field camp and our outrageous bookout timing on Wednesday. 7 days camping outside isn't very long, but it is really a memorable experience. Friends and foes are so distinctly separated from each other in the week that draws many conclusions about who your buddy and your dead enemies are. People who help you immediately when you need help. People who rush to help you fill up your ever-green water bottle. Others who sat down feeling tired and refusing to cooperate. Selfish behaviour. There's a whole treasure chest, or rather, Pandora's box opened during the duration.
I've found many true friends. Friends who stuck and stand up for each other, support each other, and assist one another. There are of course others who make silly mistakes that could have caused disastrous scenarios. On the darker side, there are those who simply didn't bother when you asked for help, and those who simply let the rest do the dirty job. We shall see, for peer appraisal is just around the bend.
NS has indeed transformed my life. Conformity, for one, has been upped to a level never seen before. Resistance and endurance is something you will learn, albeit the hard way. You learn to shut your mouth up when the situation doesn't call for it, and to minimize any further damage due to your wrong doing. Learn to admit your mistakes and face the music like a man. Our platoon used to have a motto "Be a man, do the right thing." It lacks punch, but it does mean alot of the things in camp is a medium of transformation. Maturity doesn't come overnight. It comes with pain, tears, sorrow, hard work, and of course, the environmental and social influences.
5th February 2006
Time really flies. In the haste of army we're already in the month of February. The past week was much of a gift, with two whole days of shooting and a simple workout that concludes the Saturday with an early book out. Home has never been a better place since I left to join the army. Just simply watching television or talking to people on the phone synchronised with lazing on the bed can be such a bliss.
Sometimes it has got me to wonder sometimes, if it's really worth the time to say hi to people everyday online or via messages. I don't know if they really want to hear that I'm okay, or is it that "you're in army I know, don't tell me further" feeling.
Abstinence does make your heart fonder. I was in the process of dating a girl, but army almost wrestled her out of my life. Indeed, I can't expect that much, for the wait may prove to be quite a long time for a girl. So I guess it's perfectly alright. I'm okay without a girl.
In the army you learn all kinds of things, be it good or bad. A few weeks without a woman in sight (other than that auntie at the cookhouse or canteen in lay man's terms) makes a normal and innocent guy into somewhat of a monster. Every single session on the MRT might easily turn into a babe-gazing session, especially so for those who aren't attached. Perhaps it's fine time to exercise some self-control. I don't have to, for during the stay at the camp I've been talking to many good girl friends, so it's not the case for me. Hopefully.
I'll be off for a 2-week consecutive training there at Tekong, so the next entry won't be anytime soon. I won't even be online this week, for I'll be somewhat in the middle of the artificial forest of Tekong doing all kinds of stupid stuff. So do take care during this period whoever who reads this. Till then, may the people above be watching out for you.
30th January 2006
It's the second day of the new year. And two days more to book in. This holiday has been less fruitful in enjoyment, but it has fulfilled the most important wish, to spend more time at home with my family. I've never felt this before for quite some time, and it seems that it's a sudden revelation after a couple of weeks in military confinement.
I've been reading some blog entries of others lately, and perhaps it has intensified the strong emotions I have. I've read about the funny antics of VIcky and her family - little snippets of her day-to-day life that are extremely interesting. Not the kind that provokes thoughts, but the through protrayal of love of her own family is littered around the whole blog. Something I want to achieve, but I've not reached that state of mind as yet. The other entry I saw was from Rachel, who seemed to be worried about her dad remarrying another woman. It's quite unfortunate, really, that such things have to happen to a small girl like her. It may jolly well be reasons for those weak souls out there who seek suicide the moment some obstacle crops out. Fear not rachel, for something good will be around the corner. Should you be reading this let me know. The other blogs I went were Yingru's and Dinesh's. It's interesting how my name appears there. Not that it boosts my ego, but I'm just glad that there are still people who know of my existence. Dinesh, well, he seems to be having such a hectic week.
The main thing is, everyone has his or her fair share of problems, and blogging seems to be the best outlet to make yourself heard. What's more important that I noticed on this blog hopping journey is how important your family is, yet despite the gravity of it, many just take it for granted, until the time it's no longer there. Then you start regretting. Mind you, your family is something that doesn't change. Not even a divorce cert between your parents can change it. Your relatives, your family, your grandparents. None of those things can change. And they are the people you can really trust. I don't pity those who lost some of the family by natural or unnatural causes, and I don't think they need any either. The fact that they are still here simply depicts their mental strength. The will to live on for their deceased love ones. The will to continue their last wishes before they be called home. Rather, I despise and pity those who treat family like dirt, shouting at their parents, almost extorting money from the hands that fed them, and those who ditch their parents once they grow old.
I can't really say I'm a filial kid, but at least now I understand the importance of a family. So please, those who still have rather intact families, treasure them while you can, don't be in a position to regret later on in life. Extravagant funerals do not even scrape the surface of undoing the sins and wrongs you've committed to the deceased.
29th January 2006
Happy Chinese New Year! It's the long awaited holiday since my enlistment. As mentioned, the two weeks of adjustment is over, and the real action begins. Action in the sense of more punishments meted out, more chargeable offences, more ridiculous orders and more redundancies. The week has been spent much on some basic training, which I am not allowed to elaborate here. In essence it just trains some weapon skills. With the introduction of more indoctrination and hallucinations, the line between fact and half-truths lay thinner and thinner. In fact, some of the things my commanders said already begin to blur with what I heard from people. It seems that NS not only burrows your ego to the depths but also your analytical skills. Though I must emphasize that the training is so far quite enjoyable, and are reminiscent of what I've learnt in my NCC days. Relevant, but not totally useful knowledge I would say. Hoepfully I don't have to put all that I learn into use, I'm still not quite ready to die for a cause..
23rd January 2005
I'm typing this in quite a hurry, since my last update was quite some time ago. Army was fine so far, though I expect the worse to come soon, since our 2 weeks adjustment period is over, and the gruelling training programme would begin. I don't know what to expect, though the mentality I'm adopting is count each day as it passes. Staying at home has never been thought as a luxury until this month, and everyday spent at home is considered the best reward after close to 2 weeks of confinement.
I'm beginning to understand how the subject of NS binds people from all backgrounds together. We all come from different schools and family backgrounds, and if we work together everything's fine. My section mates are a wonderful bunch of people to be with, with some stupid surveys conducted while lying in bed after lights out (i.e. bedtime). It's interesting how NS bonds people together, and perhaps in future this could jolly well be lifelong friends, that last till the day we die. Indeed NS so far has been an enriching experience, though at times I really wished I could turn back time and fulfill things I should have before I enter. Still, it's always better to look ahead and observe what's coming, rather than stalling in motion and begin on a journey of reminsce... and regret. Till my next update, anyway reading please take good care, I'll be online everyday via my phone. See you.
4th January 2005
This will be my entry that consolidates the previous year and bid farewell to my blog ... at least for a period of a month or so. It might undergo a certain facelift when I return, and I'm not cancelling the possibility of a podcast, since I don't have the time to type thoughts.
I started my blog in the year 2003 in a bid to join the mass blogging wagon, a phenomenon that was relatively slow to pick up locally despite its 'successes' in the other side of the globe. The language I used then were nothing short of the one used at the hawker centre or whatnot, it's grammatically incorrect, and infested with grosteque language errors. I wonder what was hovering in my mind then, poking fun at every single thing? In essence, it was a plain childish ranting of everyday events, just to join in the fun so-to-speak. The site was plain, horrid looking in fact, with the use of frames which were oh-so-hot then. Here's a screenshot of version two: which is quite long ago in case you've been wondering.
The format pretty much remained the same in this reincarnation, and the next..
This was inspired by WIndows Slate Theme, an upcoming theme used in Windows Avalon (previously named Longhorn).
After this episode would be a much more formal form of writing. It's more literary, and is much more formal writing. The basis of writing is to show my feelings for a particular subject matter and continuing to use numerous adjectives to describe it. At best, I think it's just an attempt to sound abit more profound. There you go, Version 5. Notice that it's very very plain.
It was almost immediately replaced with a more striking fuego, or flame in latin. Note that I've changed my tagbox to a more stable cbox, which I still use today.
Here comes a much more daring design. Manipulation of pieces of html here and there to get a complete picture. Perhaps it's some coding error, but the background of the middle blog entry doesn't stay put =/
After this was a total revamp, employing the use of the common division code in html. The result? A much sleaker and more defined layout, though the language wise wasn't much changed. Version 7 was lost, no idea where, but most probably it was something similar to this one.
After this one, I've adopted the use of an embedded windows media player, and a live playlist. The playlist often resulted in an exceeding of the bandwidth allocated. But the design wise was more streamlined. After all, it was designed on the RX-8, and the neon glow in the background was custom, thanks to photoshop.
After this would be a total change. I've seen numerous blogs, and they are all templates available online. It's really interesting (and sometimes annoying) to see two people with the same exact layout. You tell the person, and hey presto, she changes to another one, and again it coincides with some other people. It's so standard. Little girl in a small frame smacked in the middle, navigation at the side, be it crosses, hearts, stars and all the gurlish stuff. Not my cup of tea obviously. I went to burrow myself in Flash forums, seeking assistance. And in this particular version, codenamed X, is the first fully-featured flash blog. Not optimised, and takes darn long to load, but it was well worth the effort:
After that I wanted more. More animation. More daring designs. So I went on to learn animation. Flashing signal lights, and custom shadows and real-time reflections off the metallic surface. Took alot of time. Content wise was changed, I've started writing on current affairs and general viewpoints about issues, rather than focussing on the trivialities of life. Not just sounding profound, but it is to reflect some thoughts I have about the wretched world we live in. Another addition to the blog would be changeable boxes with custom animation. Something nice to look at, but took almost a few hours to animate:
Another creation was inspired by the Walkman phone, which raised some controversy over the dominance of Sony in the 50-50 merger with the European Ericsson brandname. It was too cutesy, and the orange is too bright. The bubbles float up at random, but it's something better done with Java or VBscript. Flash is just too inefficient.
People who played this game known as Need For Speed Most Wanted would know exactly where this idea came from. The startup screen was made to simulate the real thing. The smoke spews from the exhaust of the Carrera GT, and the arrows flash. It was abit quiet though. No music or revving of the engine. Something I wanted to do, but I'm afraid I'll run into copyright problems.
The new album of Jay Chou gave me two separate ideas for a blog. One would fit the theme of faruxue, which was set in an olden chinese teahouse scene. So there was some chinese design around the words and calligraphy written animation at the site that depicted the song name. The other would be a story like animation of lang man shou ji, or romantic mobile phone.
The latest one would be the one you're currently viewing. Another one based on Most Wanted, including original music tracks. It's simple, yet the graffiti theme permeated thruout the design, with brushed borders at the side.In essence, there were 14 designs in the period of two years. Not alot, compared to melswee who had like 29 to date or something. Though, do note that with each version revision, the design is changed, and now, I seem to be one of the few people who uses flash and hidden media player to make their blog. It's also not hosted by some blogging site that often are down for maintenance. Hosting on a business server is not only more reliable, but gives me more flexibility than before. Blogging has been somehow a part of me. Perhaps it is a part of a learning process, and a look inside the mirror for myself. It is an html protrayal of my character, my habits, and my personality. It has took me past my childish years and has been my venue of outsourcing (popular word nowadays) my anger, appreciation, desolation, depression, realistic expectations and so on.
This is going to be a long entry. It will be ending piece, at least for now. It's been really long, indeed, and this is the first entry of the year. Year of the dog, and it is also the year I enter National Service. SOmething to be done by all 18 year olds living in Singapore (not including those leaches that leach our education and get out of here.). It may not sound extremely noble, since it is mandatory, but I certainly feel honoured to serve the country that fed me. In this current world, where globalisation fuels both economic development and ironically riots concurrently (just when economic hardship is the mainstaying reason why people riot, other than our good Oceania neighbour). No one talks about patriotism - it's usually spoon fed, taught or brainwashed into people. How many people are truly patriots, willing to die for a country and "fight to the last man"? I'm sure not all will, verbally yes, but realistically no. Hell no.
It will be a couple of weeks till I appear online again. So this entry is also dedicated to the people who come to my blog now and then to read about my crap. Thank you for being there, and your tags! Wonderful words that sink into my heart. Sometimes I just read them from the start and I reminsce the feelings I had when I first read them. Before you go, perhaps go through the blog screenshots again, and see if you've seen it all, or just the recent few. If you've seen the first one, or the second, maybe I should give you a hug and kiss or something because those were useless rantings and you supported me even then. Haha.
Life has been good, and those little beings (yea, little you are fellors) above seem to be doing a good job so far. I've got a bunch of friends I can really talk to in times of trouble, brothers who stood by me when I fall, my sisters who lifted me up when I was down, and yes especially my primary school mates, who I only recently contacted regularly. (Yes Wallace you too.) Alright homies. All the best in your studies and future. We'll meet again someday, and you might see a new blog altogether. Who knows, it might be totally my voice and nothing else. Or even DJ-ing. Haha. Endless crap. Oh wells. Do take care. Catch all of you later. Signed, kissed, chopped and delivered, mathew 2006.
28th December 2005
I was getting my daily fix of gaming drug today when I was interrupted by the grumbling and mumbling sounds of my mother, who has been pestering me for the past few days to pack the drawers. The process was well, successful, as I felt a great sense of achievement clearing out those packed drawers and strewning bits and pieces of now worthless paper onto the floor. May I say I enjoy tearing those worksheets that bore my name, as I gave myself a quick smirk into the mirror how a fool I've been, toiling myself for hours trying to solve that maths question then. The religious cleaning continued until I came to a specific drawer below my wardrobe. that drawer.
Such religious cleaning process often brings back certain memories - be it good or bad. They can be some photos that are kept away perhaps for the past few years, or even things that bring back no recollections at all. In this particular drawer lay my personal collection of things.. Some of which may seem to be worthless pieces of paper and a whole bunch of keychains and phonecards. PHONECARDS? Yes phonecards. This term is almost unheard in this century, given the Mobile Putsch by the conglomerate mobile phone corporations. Almost is the word, for there are still many foreign workers around who earn peanuts (thanks to us exploiting them) and hence need a quick and cheap way to connect home. I collected them at quite a young age, in the days where my dad made calls so often to his clients that he "uses" up his cards so quickly. And the cards eventually lands in my hands. I remember when I was a young kiddo, I walked along the street and caught a glimpse of a phonecard on the floor. If I didn't remember wrongly, I was shrieking in hoops of joy, shooting my hands in the air as though I was holding the World Cup. I boasted my treasure to the rest of the family the entire day. Those are silly antics when I look back, but it seems that such innocent, and pure form of joy is now hard to find, especially when we become older. When was the last time you felt that utmost happiness coming right from your heart, believe me, that satisfaction is getting harder to obtain.
Rummaging the pile further finds me a few photo albums - some enclosed in a piece of greeting-card styled envelope while the rest are the plain old photo albums. Nowadays, the only albums are the virtual ones - on a hard drive. Digitally stored they say. As I took quick glances at those albums, I was brought back memory lane, every single photo had some sort of story behind: the place, the people and more oftenly, the event taking place. Indeed, a photograph can take snapshots of life processes, and memorable events, and that moment is captured for eternity. But should I fall victim to some memory loss, well, like that of an 'accidental' hard-drive format, those pictures mean nothing but, well, pictures. No story, no background, and definitely no emotions. It's like watching the news or browsing through pages of newspaper, when was the last time you felt really awful over the sad happenings and misfortunes of others featured there? Not likely. I would share some of my kiddo photos here, in case some people accuse me of being some moron with no face.
I think that's about how much I want to upload for a day. Kind of lazy. I don't think I look very alike to what I was a few years back. Who knows.
The stamp album. One of the more 'normal' pastimes of an average boy in the past. I wasn't spurred by interest though, I just wanted to make everything neat in an album, properly sorted out according to country. I don't collect them anymore, I haven't the time to seek out stamps I have and don't. Some of the stamps are already not in production, or are already part of a different state (like some Russian nations). Nonetheless, I scanned throught the collection and placed them back where they belong. Sometimes I do ponder, why do guys have to like guns, cars and stamp collecting (and ball games too if you insist), while girls have to subject themselves to cutesy dolls with fanciful dresses and miniature cooking utensils? Stereotyping is ever existent, and it is this that some friends I know still persist in such thoughts, and they feel uneasy talking to girls they don't know that well. It's the 21st century, and I don't see why guys cannot play with dolls and girls immerse themselves in Project Gotham or Halo. With the rise of metro(polis)sexuals, this is changing, and I'm glad it is so.
There are of course other junk in the drawer, but hey those are private collections. Nothing illegal, but just some bits and pieces of scrap paper and tickets from trips - it's the little things that mean alot. I could almost relive the moment every time I brushed my fingertips over the texture of the tickets, for the paper quality is nowhere near anything you've touched in the past 24 hours. Believe me, the quality of the paper is much better than those pathetic recycled paper some primary schools still use till now. Leave the chlorine alone fellors! That was when people are more in pursuit of quality than more business. People then are more demure, simple-minded and not the money gorging executives we all know today. They used to practice fair trade despite earning little, but businessmen nowadays are all out to exploit the mass public and persuade them (or even force them, in some cases) to part with as much of their money as possible. Welcome to the new reality.
That's quite enough for a day I guess, I repacked the drawer. It will be in that state until, perhaps, two years later, as I get out of the virtual imprisonment in army. The details of the gruelling packing and garbage-fying the contents is left out, but feel free to ask if you want to consult me. Or you can always visit the local book store and ask for "Packing that drawer with all the valuables you collected over the years for dummies". Smell Ya Later.
24th December 2005Ah. Christmas eve. The day where everyone exchanges greetings to one another, and people from all over the world huddle together for some major fireworks at the stroke of midnight. It's the all religious countdown ceremony that everyone is some accustomed with. It's interesting though, that while people countdown the seconds to some joyous festive (look at those Chinese who counted 1000 days to their Olympics), the same nuclear missile launch pad employs the same method of counting. Life is, perhaps, not left without a sense of irony.
I think the people left online at this hour would mostly be those who have no interest in squeezing themselves through throngs of people on the ever-packed Orchard Road, and those not interested in attending church service. For me, every Christmas is different as it is the same. The same things happen: I stay at home at night and doze off watching those wicked, i mean, mediacorp artists leading the crowd into spasms of cheer. I've never attended any Christmas party to date, and I doubt I would in future. I think, while I still can, I must accompany my mother as long as I can, for I believe, in future, I might not have the opportunity. To those little weasels (okay I just watched narnia, so they are the first animals to come to my mind) who frequently ask about me breaking up with girlfriends or getting new ones, I won't get one anytime soon, kins are more important than fooling around with girls. Things that change every year, well, is the gifts that I get and the gifts that I give out (which have increased over the years).
Christmas, to non-Christians like myself, is nothing more than another public holiday (all the more meaningless to students), or yet another day to go out and have fun. But what I want to say is, Christmas is not just about knowing the story (really you don't have to) but for you to spend some time with your loved ones. No - not those little kids who think their similarly aged boy or galfrens are their loved ones, but your kins. Your elders. People who took care of you, spent their effort and time on you, and of course, showered you with love. You may not feel it in terms of materialistic demands, but it's there, and I'm sure you know it. So treasure it. It's always better to give than to receive. By showing appreciation to your elders, you're probably doing both. So do that this Christmas, instead of ogling at babes along those busy streets or counting down to some irrelevant festival. Merry Christmas.
23rd December 2005
Greetings. It's the eve of christmas eve. Can't believe that time actually flies so fast. When I first encountered some particular someone in town, that was the start of December. Now it's already going to end. So there goes my one month vacation, which I had been painstakingly working very hard for. But now it's going to be gone real soon.
Most of this period has been spent lying fallow, sleeping eating training. The cycle simply repeats itself. I haven't been out with so many girls in a month already since no idea when, and I think I still've got a couple more to meet up before I lose all my hair.
Indeed, this is the time of the year when accountants and auditors of companies start prancing into action as they account for each and every money transaction within and outside the company. Yet for many of the morenormal people, this is the fine time for a little self reflection. Giving yourself pats on the back for some of the good work done in the year, and to rethink about any mishaps or mistakes that have happened as a result of sheer carelessness. It's also the correct moment so-to-speak to set of new year resolutions. Haha sounds all the more good. Every time an aim of the year is set, definitely a certain set of plans is bound to follow. It's funny that we are often the ones who set the planning ourselves, yet at the end we will be the ones groaning over the redudancy of the resolution. Most people simply save all the trouble by not having one. Not that smart a move I would say, for life is meaningless without an aim.
Christmas is in a couple of days, and so far I've handed out about 7 gifts to people. Here's wishing the rest who are actually reading this, happy holidays, and have a wonderful christmas. May whoever you believe be with you. Lols.
20th December 2005
Today has somewhat been a stupid day. I ended up reprimanding or verbally abusing two people. Perhaps it's because of the freaking backache I had this morning after spending a whole day yesterday scrubbing the floor. The first poor guy was at the hello! shop at west mall. I found it ridiculous they can't give me the option of installing the crap myself and had to force its customers through a religious online registration, strictly followed with a cumbersome "on-site installation" which is nothing more than plugging in a USB device. Believe me, even a two year old kid knows how to do that please. And what's more, apparently they can't render any assistance even though Singnet and Singtel are in essence the same freaking company! I'm seriously getting sick of Sing-whatever.
The second person whom I whacked somehow was this woman who apparently was in charge of the Young Lions team. I knew that long ago, but it seems she has surprisingly left out on self-introduction despite our second time there. And she had the cheek to come and tell us off for helping their pathetic team? Like wow, and she even rant on further about how she has been left out of the discussion. The discussion was done in the open, she could have came and have a look, and I was addressing the rest of the guys. Or gals. Some people just have this gigantic ego that overwhelms their whole sensibility. It's ironic when she said "I'm not trying to be aggressive", while shooting her bloodshot eyes at you, heavily foundationed cheeks and forcing each word out of her mouth as though they were germs awaiting to be expelled. Sure thing, you can leave your training as is. See you at the battlefield, if you actually make it there that is. Oh, before I forget, you just scraped the basics of cheerleading. So shut up when I'm speaking. You shall pay the price of offending someone you shouldn't be.
Looks like I have an ego too, but not to the extent of stalling a team's progress. YOUNG LIONS? Oh come on, I rather cheer on Mr Abdullah Badawi's national team than you people. Kampung football is getting you no where, and no cheerleader can help in any way. LOL.
18th December 2005
Here's another one of Jay Chou's layout. Finally I'm beginning to scrape the surface of how powerful flash's bitmap tracing capabilities lie. Haha. Indeed this have been an eventful week, especially when I went down to observe how the team goes. The team seems to be so proud currently, and are somewhat disapproving of Lenny and his ideas. Perhaps they need more time to get used to him. But all I can say is, they might make it to Cheerobics, provided, of course, they work hard with Lenny. And attendance is what Lenny wants to see. Oh well, life goes on. I just went there to talk to Lenny about matters.
I don't work alone. I need people to be alongside me before I can really make miracles in life. See if you can be one. Application starts now.
13th December 2005
It has been a rather eventful few days. Some news of Young Lions again, that Lenny has been ousted out in command, and other seemingly unbelievable news. She's quitting. Not surprising though, I would've thought so even before she embarked on having that thought. No one wants to risk their 2nd year when they've wasted their first. A meaningless first. Sometimes the fact of life is practicality always comes first, even when it means diminishing passion and hobbies infinitely till it, well, hopefully, it disappears. Or let it just be those floating memories that will be erased by more significant events.
I had a long talk that night with my cheerlead senior, my one advisor I can really trust on such matters. I was informed of the various happenings in the pathetically puny Singaporean cheerlead scene, which brought me to wonder, what make our hopes in a national cheerlead team? Lenny and James have gone to teach different teams, probably a direct result of a major fallout. Indeed, her advice is pretty sound. I was told to abandon the team and leave nothing of it before I go for NS. Right now the team is not hopeless, but I have to really "stick my hands out of it for good". For good as in, as long as it can be, and literally, for the better of my feelings.
This year has been nonetheless a difficult year for me. The various forms of stresses from commitments to team management has wrung me dry and turning me into someone I never thought I would be. Ruthless, fierce, attitude and whatnot. Cheerleading has transformed my behaviour to something I never imagined, and yet there are those who don't understand why I change my mood in almost instantaneously. Let me tell you all, for those who think I got bad mood swings. Being an in-charge has never been easy, especially when it comes to being the middleman between the team and the CC. It has never been by choice did I join the management, it was Vernon's idea. And being a leader meant I have to control my emotions by hook or by crook. I really wished I could just scold people all the way and cool down at my own pace, but I can't. I can't afford to. The longer it gets, the more people get affected by me. That's something I never wanted. If for some reason you think I am the self-centered PMS guy, perhaps you should place your damned self in my shoes. What's more, my parents are giving me problems, exam stress, CCA points matters, my closest fren's matters, cheerleading matters, CC commitments. Count 'em. I believe I've done a good job just by keeping me from the boundary of insanity.
I quit. Not because I'm a quitter, obviously not, as you would have known by now I detest them. I leave as I cannot put time on cheerlead anymore, and I don't really have the passion for it. (hence the profile says ex-cheerleader). And I need a clear mind before I enter NS, which is apparently a new phase of life. So I'm getting out of the committee, though, I still make myself approachable for advice - in case some people still need it. Otherwise, it's hands off cheerleading matters, till.. university? Perhaps perhaps.
9th December 2005
Today has been somewhat eventful. Went to yum cha with the folks at about twelve. Somewhere at centrepoint, then after that went to Orchard to teach Ger. It's like this little girl haven't changed much la. Still the cutesy girl I've met some time ago. She still has all these funny antics that never fails to amuse me. Not too bad, I actually managed to drill some maths concepts into the concrete brain of hers. I wonder how much she'll remember after the session, but hey, I've done my part ain't it?
Because of my little meeting with gerlaine which was planned some time ago, I met up with Mr Ken Chew, Natalie and Juliana. Truth be told, I don't really like Juliana the day I met her, which is about two years ago, but there's this confucian saying that goes "Got teach no kind (direct translation)". The essence is that if one is willing to learn, the teaching party ought to have the willingness to part his/her knowledge with him/her. So me and nat were kept busy teaching Ju and Laine, and it went on for about 3 hrs. All of a sudden the topic changed to Miko. And I didn't even realise some of the facts they pointed out. Yeah. It was funny how outbursts of laughter erupted all of a sudden.
I still find it a miracle, really. People who've not seen each other for months or even years can still mix with each other so well. Indeed, chat people are a unique bunch of friends that are simply different. Perhaps is the vast diversity of background, race and even religion, that makes the relation more miraculous than any other. Sometimes, you may be in seek of true happiness, and feel that you have failed terribly, but, try looking around you, it may just be around you all this while, just that you hadn't bothered to notice.
>8th December 2005
I was taken a ride through memory lane recently, by simply attending a class chalet at Pasir Ris. The previous entry was a little slip short in its description. Though, instead of boring readers to death about every single itty bitty thing that happened in that 36 hours, I would like to just talk about two topics. Clubbing and Myopia.
When the word clubbing is mentioned, the crowd suddenly splits itself into 2 groups - or more, 1) people who frequently clubs, and their brains will start churning out experiences of hangovers, dancing, posing, hot babes and whatnot, 2) the self-claimed conservative group who believe that clubbing is nothing but an activity that burns cash and think that shopping or gaming are viable alternatives, and 3) those who prefer to stay neutral on the subject and listen on. Definitely I'm the 3rd type. I don't exactly advocate going to China Black or Indochine for that matter, neither do I believe that partying at some Mohammed Sultan place or Clarke Quay is detrimental to well-being. However, I do believe that both extremes are actually misled by rumours and half-truths at best, which I want to dispel once through.
Number one: Clubbing is the expressway to gaining maturity. Sorry, there ain't such a thing as an expressway or shortcut. Imprisonment may be the fastest way to date, but no guarantees. People who think this way are most likely to be seen as foolish jokers who wish to get their hands on (literally) girls. They believe that it is only via clubbing that they experience the "real world", and that a couple of drinks off the bar can take you on the transformation wagon from a kid to a man straight off. It's really far from the truth. I've seen people who literally become drunk and utter all sorts of rubbish - and some things that are not meant to be heard. I was sober at that time, I presume, but I must stress that clubbing is not a way to get mature or exhibit a grown-up nature. hell no.
Number two: Clubbing are just for people who can't study. Mind you, perhaps you should just go and see for yourself. Mix around with the crowd, and you'll soon realise most of the big hip gang come from reputable schools. In fact, smart students who know how to balance schoolwork and play are more likely to go clubbing than nerds who mug whole day and get nothing in return. So in essence, this rumour is totally busted.
Number three: Clubs are dangerous places. This one's tough. It all depends on self-control. Some kids feel thrill in getting touched/touching others in clubs. Others believe huddling between girls can help in attaining some sort of euphoria. Truth be told, clubs are just any other place in public. It's not anywhere less safe or more well guarded than perhaps the neighbourhood mall. No doubt, there had been instances where some clubs are raided simply because someone was caught with drugs. So the thing is, is just be careful, and weary of yourself. It's not that clubs are bad places, it just means that you have to be alert, indirectly meaning, if you can't take so much, stop drinking, before you wake up in prison for something you aren't guilty of.
Another thing is myopia. I don't really mean the casual name that refers to the requirement of spectacles, it's meant literally. I've noticed that people, despite two years in JC, haven't changed much in attitude, or the way of conveying information to others. Perhaps they've been mixing with pretty much the same bunch of people they grew up with in secondary school years, there's no necessity for change. I didn't have that 'priviledge'. I was thrown into a hostile environment - it's a change or die thing. So I almost transformed myself into some english-speaking brat who practises some form of radicalism. The thing I noticed was the sense of short-sightedness - Seeing only what's directly in front of you, while ignoring where you're actually heading towards.
It's not my classmates that are the ones who suffer most. It's some people in the team. Does it really matter if the upcoming Cheerobics may not be a solid reality? Is it the end of the world? Of course it isn't. And besides, some people are so desperate for a shot at the competition they're ready to betray and bite the hands that fed them, by joining another team. Not that I mind people who want to seek further opportunities with another team, but what I see are quitters. Myopic quitters. It's such an irony, really, the very people who wish to leave the team were the ones who was with the team for almost the longest period. Yet those who joined somewhere this year were giving me positive replies of intending to stay. I despise quitters, and people who simply refuse to face challenges head on, and commence on a desperate search of alternatives. These people are of course not the people I want for my team. It's really funny how life goes, it is only when some difficulties come do you realise who are the real supporters and who are the hypocrites. Sadly, the hypocrites are often the ones with some sort of power to move people. And they're commencing their big move-out plan on Friday. We'll see what happens.
5th December 2005
It's been quite some time since I written something here, so might as well type down some thoughts. Life's been somewhat happening, and more importantly, I've made quite a couple tradeoffs, which I think I'm bound to regret sooner or later. First up was the cruise trip, and good old smart Mathew had put it on the day of prom, which is purely a stupid mistake. I had almost no recollection of the prom night thing at all. And so I missed out ogling at hot babes at the prom (which I heard was quite a number) and I went on a cruise trip with my fam.
Truth be told, I didn't really enjoy the trip at all. So much of time wasted simply mediating arguments between my parents simply drained my psychological being, leaving no 'mental energy' to fully utilise the trip as an after-exam activity. The eruption of disagreements is so frequent that almost every single word they utter equated almost to throwing nuts at each other. It's stress I tell you, and I don't think I'm surviving any much longer, alas, I'm off for National Service soon anyway.
The other tradeoff? Might as well say it's a long unsolved problem. My cheerleading team is almost falling apart, and the supposed person in charge is trying to go to another team. It's almost like betrayal, but to a larger extent, infilial. I'm so dead sure, when I left the team, the state was far better than what it is now. Not that I'm trying to point fingers at anyone, but the truth is, perhaps I've been trying too hard, so hard, to the extent, that I've got recurrent headaches everytime I ponder about the question. And hence I expect a equal or more than equivalent effort put in by everyone else. The higher your expectation, the bigger your disappointment. So I've concluded, as destiny has wished to turn things against my favour, I must search for alternatives, fast.
The tradeoff was of course a soured relationship. In fact it wasn't a relationship, for it has ceased to exist, despite me somehow trying to cling on. Silence is getting so loud, and cold anger is accumulating. This is what I hate most - cold anger. Shutting doors to the inner feelings. The protective shield that locks out everyone attempting to break through, despite it's initial purpose as something good, can be an ass sometimes, making it difficult to sustain truthful and honest relations.
I just came back from chalet. It's strange that everyone hasn't changed a lot since the secondary school days - the hairstyle, dress sense, figuratives in speech. Hardly any at best. It seems I was the one who took a 360 degree turn. I haven't been speaking in Chinese for how long, okay, at least with my friends. The main medium has been English. I don't have difficulty understanding, but I must say, my language prowess (okay, abit hao lian) in Mandarin has deteriorated. I often end up mispronouncing words that are simple to the average student. Ho.
Good friends made in the past kind of persisted, especially in the "bridge gang" of 7. It's interesting how we catch up so quickly, and end up playing retarded and child-like (not childish) games like kicking each other in a blanket. It's rather sad though, for Xianghong said she won't be organising any, so we've to wait for someone to marry and go banquet before we can exchange glances again.
It's been two years since the last reunion I went. Not everyone turned up, but it's just right without people getting displaced out of bed (okay, confession, we're all sleeping in contorted positions, but NO ONE was not on a bed). Interesting. Guess these memories will persist, and when we look back at these moments, we'll soon realise, hey, "when I said to myself, what a wonderful world.."
23rd November 2005
This entry is specially dedicated to those freaking Australians. Haughty asses who believe that the whole world shall sucuumb under their unruly behaviour. I applaud PM Lee and other Ministers' firm decision in dismissing the unreasonable request by the collective uncivilised people of Oceania.
We at Singapore have stated the Drug Abusing and Usage Act that dates way back in our history. The death penalty imposed was almost a remarkable and milestone legislation that makes our country relatively drug free. Look yourself in the mirror Australia. Because of your little rantings about civility and freedom to choose what you want, you've created a state full of druggies, muggers (not study-doers) and throngs of drug peddlers. "Cos it doesn't kill to be one," your little citizens would say. We are a sovereign country. We don't need some Aborigine-British-French-Anglo mixed blood to teach us what to do in our garden city. So leave your little childish fiddling with laws at home.
I read the Straits Times today, and I have to say I'm immensely infuriated by the letter of a pathetic Australian, who thinks that we aren't civilised simply because of imposing the death penalty. Almost everyone in the world knows more than 40g of Heroin yields to be hanged, and yet this Nguyen guy still took the risk, and got caught. Why, it's sorry to hear that you've to peddle drugs to support your family, but who in the right mind would turn to peddling or trafficking drugs to do that? Perhaps governments who don't impose strict penalties on drug usage and abuses know the exact answers - they have themselves to blame for this mishap.
And guess what? Mr loser opposition leader believes that Singapore is barbaric in their penalty? I think he's just making a scene out of the whole thing. I understand he wishes his name to appear every now and then so that people would look and think, oh so this person exists. What a joke, really. If our legislatory structure on drugs is flawed, why are there almost no drug traffickers here? I'm sure many would know the answer.
I'm glad Mr Howards has affirmed that he will not pursue the matter in ICJ, or try to impose sanctions or related "pressures" to make us change our decision. All these efforts, even if replicated in its entirety, would not make any adjustments to our legal framework. Australia, let this be a warning to you: Despite your country's size, your politicians severly lack a big brain to think carefully of what you say. Perhaps it's fine time to restructure YOUR government and legislation instead of whining away at the lost of a fellow drug trafficking Australian. Period.
22nd November 2005
I've been blog surfing for the past hour, and it's pretty interesting what you discover when you "link-hop" from blog to blog. You even see blogs that you never knew existed, and people around you actually DO have rantings about their lives now and then. It's so true that you see repeats of layouts jumping here and there, but it's the content that I'm more interested in.
I realise how time flies. People grow tall, trees grow leaves, and the Circle Line is half-complete. In almost a month ago, Mathew was pondering about what would possibly be the outcome of the examinations. And in this present moment, the same person is almost snickerring in happiness, awaiting the end of the A levels. More importantly, the people I knew have almost changed in their entirety, or some drastic changes have almost revamped their original personality.
I don't see any faults in people changing. I believe that change is an inevitable and a control checkpoint for adapting to a transitional environment. I applaud those who have toned down on their flamboyant and colourful language, some have even abandoned it altogether, while there are still points in time, when I sigh, for there are still ignorance and abhorence in people. I'm not trying to play judge around here, but it seems that age may not be such a good gauge of maturity after all.
I've seen many recent cases, where 18, the usual "mature" age as stipulated by law, is still NOT an indication of wise and thoughtful thinking. There are those who feign and bind alcohol to maturity, worse - people who "club" and think they're well-loved in the region. Leave those pathetic bastards who try to get a hang of girls by going to clubs alone. They don't exist in any form of maturity. I've seen many, however, who've changed into a more civilised being after JC. No more f-worded slangs, dialectal taunts and whatnot, and best of all, a very clear goal in mind.
On the start of january I'll be preparing myself into another stage of life. National Service. It's a guy's job to protect him homeland. Not some pricks who flee in terror to some Oceania country or even Europe just to get away from it. Why, handling guns a