9^th August 2006

Patriotism. It goes further than daily recitations of the pledge, singing of the anthem, or screaming in joy seeing the wondrous performance at the National Stadium. It's the recognition of a place we call home, a place where we're safe, a place where we build our family and eventually build or nation.

I've no idea why this year national day feels extremely different. Perhaps it's the fact that I myself is serving the country by going through national service, that I feel much more belonging to the country than before. Every national day I would go and watch the full parade at the comfort of home, and every year I would comment about the shortcomings of the parade. This year, I kept mum. I could see the effort put in by the performers. More imporantly, I saw MM Lee on camera. Every year his eyes would turn watery. The nation was single-handedly built by him, and left to his own son to run. He must have been really proud, that the country he built is no longer just a small red dot on the map.

Back to the notion of patriotism. I'm not saying we've to practise to the extent that "yes sir, I would die for my country." Believe me, in modern day context, that doesn't really apply. Patriotism comes from the heart, and doesn't come from mandatory national service (contrary to folklore), singing of the anthem, or heck, remembering what the colours of the state flag are (don't be surprised some people still do not know.) It's a sense of belonging, a sense of love towards the country, that's different from any other type of love.

I myself feel extremely strongly in this aspect. To those who do not know, I'm not born locally. I was born in another British ex-colony called Hong Kong. And, I'm glad now I still have a place to call home, a place I can relate to and comfortably be at. My friends, my family, and all my buddies are all here. It is Singapore that nurtured me, that fed me, and that turn me into the person who sits behind the computer typing this entry. Thank you Singapore, and Happy Birthday.

I'm booking in later. Mixed thoughts. I hope I survive. Enjoy your holidays everyone.

5^th August 2006

It's been a while since I plunged myself into deep thoughts. I could almost vaguely remember the last time I been through that was a quarrel with a girl. A quarrel that never emerged into or turn into one, what you would call a cold war. And now I was taken down the rabbit hole back to the soul seeking process. That's just the largest bell that rings in your head, that reminds you, or even reprimands you, that "hey bro, something's damn wrong with you."

And how did that process come about this time round? No one would bother about the last time, for it's the past, never to be repeated. It was a small incident in camp that led almost to a fight between my bunkmate and me. To cut a long story short, I was told off for being overboard with jokes and a very serious attitude problem. After that session, it really got me thinking. A whole huge chunk of processing. Have I really changed for the worse?

Army transforms people. It's a known fact. Imagine yourself travelling on a road. And you encounter a junction. Both routes lead to certain change, and army is that junction. I can almost feel my intelligence and EQs dropping rock bottom. I've become intolerant at sights of sluggishness, unwillingness to work, and irresponsible behaviour. What I mean by intolerant is not a direct synonym to yelling off what you feel on the spot. Intolerant in my aspect is a strong sense of disapproval.

I was once a very vocal person. Until one day my tutor told me a moment of silence now and then protrays and sculps character. And I learnt to shut up sometimes and listen. Listen attentively. Listen hard. If you've done something wrong, chances are, evidences or signs are scattered all around. If you would just observe.

Of course, my bunkmate did overdo it by shouting and taunting a fight, but he got his point across - he ain't happy and he wants to see a change in me. I've no idea if what he says is true, but right now my eyes are closing real quickly. I'll end off here for the time being (1.03am), if I've something to add later, I will.

30^th July 2006

Sheer fatigue. Has anyone else ever experienced that before? No - I'm not talking about carrying furniture up and down or even packing stores for live firing. What I'm referring to is mental fatigue. The very thing that tortures people from the inner depths of your basic soul out to the surface. Some describe it as mortal hell. Others say it's more like all the types of corporal punishments ancient and modern all put together. I say, it's just .. unbearable.

I don't usually rant about my mishappenings and bitch about how life sucks. Because I know anyone who reads something like that is likely to feel sad or disheartened by the inability of me to cope with problems. This time round, well, FUCK IT. I'm sick of my family. Avid and frequent readers would have known the stems or past events of what happened. It just gets worse. Army life is already stressful enough. If you'd really think I'm super relaxed in camp, then think again. The air isn't fresh, smells of rats, and what more, the atmosphere almost suffocates me. The two hands of discipline and course objectives are squeezing my blood dry. And yet you know what? My family, the usual place where I can get some fresh air, just gives me another set of equally, if not worse, problems. Life's just horrid I tell you.

And hey, it doesn't end there. If it did then I will be ready to go (RTG) as soon as I finish this sentence . Paranoia that's uncalled for, frequent agitation, bickering sessions and uncalled-for taunting. Daily happenings that make me think how fortunate I was not to witness such "events" at home (not really fortunate, come to think about it. Considering all the Sai Kang or "fatigue work" I've to do.)

Interestingly, people suddenly becomes out of contact. When I need them. Hey, cool. So should I just suck thumb to get over it? Maybe. And perhaps that's the only rational way I can think of.. except suicide.

29^th July 2006

Theme keep it simple. It's totally made with Photoshop. From raw plain white canvas, nothing else. I just wanted to show that i still know how to use photoshop to build images from scratch. smile.

22^nd July 2006

Okay, let me do this in Q and A form. For those who don't know what's going on, I was doing a little experiment on some person whom has a long list of enemies.

Myth: She smsed me by accident out of sheer coincidence. Nothing more than that.
Fact: She actually got her number from melswee. And claimed she didn't.

Myth: She claims that she is a wakeboarder, and a national swimmer.
fact: I've no idea, but most likely she can only float.

Myth: I'm in love with her.
Fact: Hell no. In fact, I don't like her one single bit.

Myth: She's 155cm, 50+ kgs.
Fact: I've no idea, but she certainly LOOKS way past that.

Myth: I am a bastard and I enjoy this process of divulging her innermost lying instincts, making the world know her a little better.
Fact: Guilty as charged.

To summarise what happened, I was going home one day when I got a message from someone unknown "Okay you horny fella. I'll let you know when I ask her k?" And I asked who she was.. and so on. The accident message may be true, but the getting of my number wasn't. Do note that she and melswee are from the same tuition centre. The story goes on about her wanting to find a guy. Like, why would a good and attractive go to hook on with a stranger she smsed wrongly? Puzzled, me and a couple of friends started this "pursuit". The process was long and tedious, as lies began to flow like nobody's business. I wasn't interested in lying much though, so I gave some unimportant info that everyone knows just by reading my friendster. One small mistake though, I featured my blog add on my profile. But then again, it makes it all the more authentic. We tried to turn her off by passing off as a horny guy, but it seems she is horny but doesn't want sex (quoted directly.) Time for some interesting messages...

"I'm 155cm, 50+ (i can't rmbr)kg, I wakeboard, and am part of the national under 19 swim team."
"Look, you go ahead and say what you want, cause my friend's number is one number diff from urs. thus the wrong messages. you don't accuse me. its just a bloody coincidence. why would i want to steal yr number when you're not even good lookng to start with."
"I think all these madness is firstly, destroying the frenship i used to have with mel. secondly, i'm labelled by you when you don't know the truth about everything. thirdly, just because of all the text messaging bummer i made, by also accidently messaging her ex, because of a typo error, and you SO happen to be her friend too, you people misunderstood everything and worst, thought i took you no. from her. That's all i've to gotta say. bye."

Guess that's enough for now. The bottom line is, don't make up a personality if you want to embark on a new relationship. Before you embark on a life journey to accept someone else in your life, you ought to accept what you are first, not to play imagine and crop out with some imaginary figurine that represents you. It ain't gonna work out. For people who know me well, you jolly well know I hate liars. From the start. So ladies and gentlemen, if you really want to be friends, or even acquiantance, please be honest, accept yourself before coming to me. Or else, consider our friendships over.

19^th July 2006

This is definitely a new experience. Updating blogs in camp isn't something expected during NS life. But here I am penning some thoughts. Indeed, life has given me a hell lot of people who occasionally stand by me in times of need. I count myself extremely fortunate, that I've actually have people to confide it should I need it sometimes, like we all do. BUt sometimes, I think to myself, do people actually know me? Perhaps I was the perfect person. That is, I protray a certain stereotype, or a certain image to most people. I often describe what I do as a protective barrier. Let's visualise this like the earth. My exterior personality i.e. the crust and mantle, are open for all to pry and easily understood. Sad to say, most people that I know often linger at this level, and do not venture further. People who BOTHER would go into the inner layers, as more and more secrets about me are known. To most people I'm the outspoken bastard who complains about every single thing, loves to complain about everything under the sun.

More to the contrary, I appreciate occasional solitude. Not the usual party animal. You can almost hear yourself think deeply, you start thinking about the trivialities of life, and laughing yourself at the silly antics you've committed in daily life. Only small numbers of people reach this level, if you compare it to maplestory.

The inner core. If you'd watched the movie The Core, you'll know how much effort it takes to drive all the way down. The unfortunate fact is, this is where I'm most vulnerable. And I feel uneasy when someone pries all the way here.

In truth, there are those who's been there. It does frighten me sometimes, for with one strike I'll vanish.. along with my ego, my destiny, and perhaps even my future. No joke.

Pardon my gibberish. It's totally off, because I'm watching Singapore Idol.

Oh I forgot one person in my list. Dinesh doesn't make it to the list of to meet people because he isn't someone I long to see for now (he's not a girl. MAIN POINT.) The person is Valerie. My mentor, my jie and my good friend. Always one that I can get advice from, I'm grateful for her being there for me. More people will be in the list, though I believe not many really care. lol.

14^th July 2006

Have you all really seen the Windows interface? As in have you ever wondered how close to us Windows really is? Let me give you a small picture of how human the system is, sometimes even more so than most of us.

Take a look at the start menu. At the side is a list of programs that you recently run. Pretty much how we work isn't it? We only remember things that are recently done, seen, touched, the rest are just vague memories. No longer there and important.

Or take a look at your desktop. Tonnes of folders.. Pretty much like your drawers. You store a lot of things, yet you forgot where you place them. Windows also occasionally forgets, and you've to remind it i.e. reinstall the things again.

If only communication was as simple. Have you realised that Windows XP don't really talk to Macs easily? That's what humans do. Call it racial discrimination. Call it lack of communication. I say, call it sheer ignorance and poor attitude.

Indeed, sometimes working at the computer from time to time makes you really wonder, perhaps your little desktop is more human than you are. It's no longer the cold dead machine. It's intelligent, and dependable. The latter species of humans are harder and harder to find, whereas computer systems are more and more stable (or claim to be).

So what am I saying? Give ILUs to your computer and hug it to sleep (most notebooks are smaller nowadays.)? Not really. What I'm saying is perhaps we should ask ourselves what we really are. If computers are in fact more human than we are, then something is terribly wrong. It's fine time we start digging out and relearn ethics and how to communicate.

One thing that computers can't do is lie. When they have a problem they tell you, with little dialog boxes or even refuse to bulge (even if you kick it real hard.). They don't Geh Kiang(Trying to attain something it can't), and definitely do not Hao Lian (being a snob) or become jealous. But humans definitely do all 3. Thank goodness for these (bad) characteristics computers will never become one of us, part of us, or replace us.. anytime soon.

Today has been surprisingly eventful. Never really expected everything to turn out so smoothly. Was doing some washing up of my sis' house in the early afternoon, followed by a trip to NJC. Indeed, it has changed, very thoroughly - as my mei would say. I saw Rachel, a girl whom I really love alot as my sister, and my Monkey. It's the little things that matter most indeed. Seeing someone you haven't seen in a long time is something you're unlikely to experience until you go overseas (or you're serving the air sea or land of your nation). You know you want to see them. You want to meet them and see that they're alright. ANd it ends. I'm always frightened that I've nothing to say to people I meet, because it's been so darn long since we talked face to face. But the frights are really uncalled for, and I believe there wasn't really a dull moment. At least to me.

I'm grateful that I've so many friends that really look up to me as a senior, and respect me. And most importantly care for me. Spending time is one thing. Forking out precious time out of studying time is...priceless. (no. please don't play that indian Mastercard/Visa commercial. But there's only enough for one bird! ... Okay.) Thank you girls. You rock my world <3. Here's a list of people I've met and wanted to meet so far: Rachel Low, Michelle, Yingru, Cindy Chin, Sheila, Shi Zhen, Qin Fang, Sharon, Lauren, Bao Rui, Huang Peng, Yumiko. There are alot I still want to meet, and soon I will.. hopefully.

8^th July 2006

Life is really full of ups and downs. Sometimes life can start torturing people, totally twisting people's daily lives into a mortal hell. I'm sure all these sound all too familiar. Have you ever felt at times, that you're totally isolated, left out in the cold, and people that you call (or assume to be) your best friends never seem to care about you? And in times when you start to speak up about your misfortunes there is hardly any people willing to be there to listen and to hear you out? Many of us have experienced this once, twice or even umpteen times.

How many people have failed as a true friend? How many of us are guilty of pushing people away, "sorry, i'm really busy right now." when you're actually mapling, or simply idling? All it really takes is just being there to listen. You just have to be there to listen. No actual consoling required. Human beings are internally configured to require attention. Be it in sadness or joy. All sad friends need is a listening ear. You (usually) don't even have to intervene, for they actually know the solution.

Sadly, not everyone can be a good listener. There are those who "uh-huh" as you speak, or those who simply brush you off. I cannot be said as a really good listener, but I do try my best to do so. Unfortunately, I don't really have people I can bitch, moan, grumble to and bother to listen to me and understand me. Not yet. I haven't found someone like that. There are close ones, but not really there yet.

This is also the reason why most of my good buddies are actually girls. WHy? Because girls are more sensitive. They try to understand your situation and help you with it (or just ask you to take care - that's enough already), they empathise, sympathise and apathise with you. With the emergence of the metrosexual, or whatever you want to call it, perhaps things may change. But till then, girls are still better people to talk to than guys.

1^st July 2006

In a group of people, like 5 or 6 people in a cluster, often go out together. The talkative, or put it in a more refined way, socially-active will lead the conversations, while the rest would just listen to them. In essence, there are the talkers - ones who have unlimited supply of topics to contribute to the group, and there are the listeners, people who just either love to hear rants about their companions' lifes or simply not "there". The two roles are not mutually exclusive though, but at times, the quiet ones would simply be mostly left out of the picture.

Today was interesting. It's one of those occasions where I will pen down a few points i encountered in my everyday life. I was out with the cheerleading folks. Believe me, it's been very long since I met them. It all started out from an sms from Mr Bao Rui, who asked me if I wanted to catch a movie. Of course being the usual buaya me will definitely ask around for girls to join us. (sausage party is not something I really look forward to). Sharon, my auntie, responded almost immediately (like whoa.) Anyway, to cut the long story short, I met Sheila my jiemei, Sharon, Bao Rui, Huang Peng, and Shi Zhen all at one go.

There's something that holds a group together - a common topic. If conversations were to be confined to people having exact same topics, or simply between people they are familiar with, the group isn't really a group anymore, it's segregated. Perhaps it's the feeling that I was once had when I was in Secondary School, where I simply felt left out of certain conversations (perhaps I was too "guai" then), that I hated, dreaded, that've caused me to achieve one aim in a group: never leave anyone behind without a person to talk to. In many cases, I always try to talk to everyone, and when I mean everyone, I mean every single one, no matter what group it is. It's just a simple act, but it certainly means alot. It gives the members a sense of belonging, and the "hey someone actually knows I'm there" feeling.

Perhaps that's the reason I know a lot of people. And I've many good friends. Many people in army have asked me how I managed to go out with a friend a weekend or maybe two or more, and I have only one answer. All people like to have attention. Be it a small baby or a fully grown adult. We all like to be appreciated, acknowledged and accepted. The 3As, I coin as I speak, are the very reason I have so many friends I can really talk to. Of course, such relations doesn't drop from the sky. It takes hard work, on both sides. So don't call me a flirt, casanova or whatever. If you aren't having a lot of female friends, or friends in general, it's fine time you tune up on your social dynamics. It's the key to people you can really talk to in future.

P.S. this is blog version 20.0BETA! Maplestory. It's cute I know (: but it takes tonnes of work.. the shockwave lighting, the modifying of wordings etc. Oh well. And ya, it was nice seeing my cheerlead buddies again (:

25^th June 2006

Quitting. It's the mostly used verb that is very often put into action. Quit jobs, quit program, quit joking, quit smoking, quit trying, quit this quit that. There are simply too many quitters. The term "quitter" has been a hot topic some time ago, as said by then PM Goh Chok Tong. If I didn't remember wrongly, it's someone who left Singapore for something. Seriously, in time, one will quit. Once a certain threshold is reached, people tend to stop trying as hard as they were and give up eventually. It doesn't matter how much effort has been put in. The seemingly daunting task has now become unreachable in any way. The obstacles have proved to be so much of an inhibitor that all processes have to cease before psychological damage is made.

Please. Don't quit when there is so little time left. Just try your best. I know sometimes it's quite hopeless, but you've got to keep trying.

Anyway, today has been somewhat I wonderful day. I met Valerie jie today for coffee and a short walk around Bugis. I haven't seen her for ages, and she looked as pretty as ever (: Even though she hit me with the flower I bought her (you know, those soft-toy like flowers with a face?) but I'm glad that we still keep in contact. And yes she still gives quality advice to me, just like old times! Even though she's younger than me by 9 months, I still find it comfortable to call her jie. Simply because of her matured nature. And on the way back home on the train, I received a phone call from my section commander - Book In timing has been changed from 9pm to 11pm. Bliss. More at home time for me to blog! Okay, I think that's about it. See you.

24^th June 2006

Life is sometimes torturous. It can bring you happiness, joy, and delight, and the next moment conduct a total onslaught on you, leaving you helpless, worthless and worse of all - under control. Have u ever realised that your life is somewhat being manipulated in one way or another? I've been hearing stories like the moment you step foot on CMPB your "career" or whatever you want to call it is already set. All the way from your enlistment to your ORD to your reservist life. All the junk about expressing interest, test this test that, see this result blah, all didn't matter. All that matters is the decision up there.

In just a couple of days I'll be switching camp.. again. Sungei Gedong. I thought it was somewhere near, but it isn't. Oh well, it's my own choice.

There isn't much I want to say, but since Melswee wants me to do that junk, I will do it.

7 random facts about me.
1. I used to be a cheerleader
2. I have this craving for all types of ice cream.
3. To date I've only built 2 computers, but I've a hell lot of spare parts
4. I'm not interested in having a girlfriend at the moment.
5. Economics is my fav sub, but I did worst in it
6. I maple.
7.I'm serving the army? lol.

7 things that scare me.
1. being outcasted
2. handphone and/or computer breaks down
3. gigantic dogs
4. frying my beloved graphics card
5. hoards of mosquitoes coming after me
6. my good friends no longer care for me
7. bitches.


7 random music.
1. Your Color - BoA
2. Unbelievable - Craig David
3. Killing My Love - Leslie Parrish
4. Ye Qu - Jay Chou
5. All The Love - Taufik Batisah
6. Superstar - Styles of beyond feat. Mike Shinoda
7. Sugar Sugar - forgot who.


7things i like the most.
1. yingru
2. my fone!
3. my blog + my comp
4. slacking in bunk
5. my discman (I can't use my MP3 in camp so ya.)
6. my other close friends e.g. melswee, valerie, amanda, rachel, cindy, miranda, blah blah.
7. maple too! =)


7things i say the most.
1. wtf?
2. dong bu dong (understand or not)
3. walao eh!
4. hmm~
5. eh john khoo stop sleeping leh
6. eh veggie boy!
7. hurhur =X


7people to do this.
1. yingru
2 and so on ..whoever who reads this crap

18^th June 2006

I was walking along the platform of Outram Park NEL station. I noticed that they've removed the dull black background into a purple one. A smart choice indeed, as it prevents burn-in on those expensive yet fragile screens. What got me interested was this quote that appeared at random:"Success is gauged by the number of smiles you put on people." That got me thinking. Real deeply. In fact I was so deep in thoughts I nearly missed the train.

Well, a self-reflection tells me that I'm hardly successful in life. The people I place smiles on are usually my sectionmates, and it almost immediately ends there. Okay, section 1 too. But that's like extremely small. I used to have this noble ambition to make everyone around me to be happy, but truth be told, it hadn't got anywhere before I lost steam. It's a daunting task, and it's not something the average man can do. A rich man can splurge or rather donate millions to African countries, and he achieves he purpose. or the government decides that everyone will get $1000 each by tomorrow morning (and expect long queues at ATMs tomorrow). Or the rebel leader in Iraq declares an end to armed combat against US forces. All these are typically, in some soft of way, successful, based on that definition alone. One clear thing has to be noted though, that someone must have the means in order to do it. Like some goddamned son of a rich-dad (sorry I had to use that term on Father's day) starts buying everyone in class meals or whatever, people ought to have the means to be successful to be successful.

What am I saying? It's not easy to be successful in life. By that basic definition it could mean so many tasks (start donating money, helping in old folks home, singing praises to people, occasional sweet messages to your dearest friends, and blah blah), and believe me, there are more meanings to the word success, not everyone can be successful.

Does that mean we, the average Jane Joe Fann Zoe Harry Tom Dick have to just suck thumb and stay idle? Hell no. We all should work towards making people around us happy, and let's just start with your parents. We all argue with them now and then don't we? Do you ever spend time to talk to them? Do you ever call back home when you're in camp to check on their well-being (rather than the other way round you idiots.)? These may be the very things, though simple, that can likely place smiles on the faces of your loved ones.

Enough of this success thing. In 3 hours I'm going back in. To think I did guard duty till this morning. I'm half-zombiefied at the moment, and am struggling to finish this thing. I was wanting to go down to orchard to see Gerlaine, it's been damn long since I last saw her, but since there's no damned reply I think it's wiser not to go there. This weekend I only went out with my mom, and no more. I don't have time to go out with my closer girl-friends. Many people who don't know me well think I'm a despot, a flirt - whatever you name it. It doesn't really matter what people think I am, cause I know exactly who am I. So I don't need any fingers pointing at me and echoing down shouts of flirt and sinister giggles. Anyway, I have got tonnes to prepare for bookout. Whoeever is reading this ought to take care Nowadays it rains like no one's business.

10^th June 2006

Finally I'm like out of that stupid camp. I can't tell you much about what I do, but most of the time is just sitting around doing nothing. Lecture room! Audit! ROC! All these terms are like so frequent in camp. On Monday I'll be firing off some bombs and explosives. May god be with me. And.. the earliest bookin ever.. like 2000 HRS? That's really early.

Taking a bus ride is something that I personally enjoy. You get to see the city whisk you by (okay, the bus isn't that fast that you can almost feel motion blur in action), while you can be gazing and looking at happenings at the road side - at the comfort of a chair tucked into an air conditioned compartment. I was sitting in my PTI shirt onboard service 61 when I chanced upon this advertisement. "We're are a part, not apart". The tagline almost screams at me. The pictorial presentation was a female volunteer (no pun intended) tending to a wheelchair bound woman (again, no discrimination towards gender.) What makes me annoyed is the fact that why must they try so hard to promote the fact that they are one of us. I mean, the english term "fit in" already tells you you're squeezing yourself within the crowd. Just like fitting a puzzle. And if you can't fit, you change. No one else is going to change their shape to allow you to come in. We've seen how many disabled personnel aiming to pursue a new life, applause to that, but fighting for special rights is really a no-no. Why special rights? The very thinking of asking for priviedged treatment already means they aren't treated the same way as the rest ain't it? Then why the "we're a part, not apart?" They can be in our society, and we're ready to accept them. But please, if you want the society to care more about you, perhaps you should revamp your campaign to one of more inclination towards compassion than one that attempts to squeeze a circular block into a square hole - it can't be done and it hurts.

For those who don't know what I'm saying would think I'm an asshole trying to make fun of the less fortunate, but believe me I'm not. They are humans, but they are not equivalent beings (no one is equivalent anyway, are u me and is me you?). They need our concern, our care, and compassion. Not some stupid campaign that forces them to live a life like ours. Save them the trouble please.

That's all for some random stuff. This blog is getting old. Version 19.1, that's what I call it. version 20 would be another change. And I hope I've the time for more.

3^rd June 2006

A blog is a place where I type out my thoughts. Definitely not somewhere to draw attention of any kind. It's already the 20th layout of the blog, and every 10 layouts would feature a whole new definition. I wonder if I would even have the time to make something out of it.

It's already June, and I've been posted to Engineer Training Institute. I never thought that a company can actually be more inefficient than Charlie. A 5.00p.m. bookout turned into a 7pm one. Sometimes it's just how things go I guess. Life is relatively okay, still relatively relaxed. I don't know what to expect, but I'm sure it will hardly be as tough as Charlie.

Today was a day I truly enjoyed myself very much. The funny antics of pretty Amanda from "She's the Man" was definitely amusing. Yes yes, how can I not mention that I went out with my princessy sister of mine. haha. I haven't seen her just for 2 weeks or so? And we've got like so much to talk about. I don't know, but I think that we can really click. Hmm.

Just something I wish to clarify. I don't go out with girls simply because I have to go out with girls (that's seriously crap.). I go out only with people that are very close and important to me. People I wish to see every now and then to make sure they are okay. People that I want to care for and shall continue to do so. Ah crap. I think I'm just going nuts. Swimming at wee hours for 3 km isn't something fun. Really. So I think I'm knocking off soon. Till the next entry. See you.

27^th May 2006

No more SISPEC Charlie. After the gruelling 30km march (okay, supposedly 28km, but it seems we marched further.. due to the position of our coy line). No more Sanep Bin Amin. Yeah babey. Enough is enough. I got posted to ETI or Engineer training institute. It's further away than pasir laba.. somewhere in Yishun. It's alright, as long as it's not in the east. I've to get back in on monday, and that's not good news. not much time left to sleep. so whoever's reading this, take care!

22^nd May 2006

New layout. after some quality retail therapy. new song. newly bought album. it's damn happy song. new life. new phase. i hope this is the start of something nice.

21^st May 2006

I wished I was a more rational person. I was supposed to be happy. I have finished 9 weeks of torturous training.. and only one week left to go. Yet I'm not. Not even slightly contented. Everything just becomes extremely fucked up the moment I step foot onto army soil. My life is turned upside down. I lost the passion to care for people, talk to people and understand other people. I just fuck whoever who comes in my way or do any mishap. It's just the way it is. I've changed. Into someone who doesn't give a damn about reasoning and understanding to get things done. The reason? Thousand and one mishappenings have befell on me ever since army started. I developed some skin allergy, which makes my face and arms dotted with inflammation whenever there's heat or unclean environments. It's not very serious, and people hardly see it, but I can feel it everytime I head back to the jungle. Scorching pain across my back and itch I can't possibly hide with talcum powder. I screwed up my A levels with zero As but a whole freaking string of Bs. I got posted to SISPEC Charlie company. No nights out, fierce training, and the list simply goes on. Now the stress continues to build up as some important decisions becomes awry. Supposedly I was ready to take myself to pursue pharmacy in NUS, and guess what happened? Straight rejection right in my face. Science? FUCK YOU. That's like the most common degree you ever see, you see it on textbooks, you see it on some goddamn children book for god's sake. NTU suddenly sounds much more viable.. with a course in Biological Chemistry. The tragedy doesn't end there. I was supposed to take on my dad's company's scholarship, just to keep my dad in his job. Ridiculous? Hardly. Knowing my dad's character he might just quit the company just because he finds it too boring. His dreams (and it's gonna be a dream after all) to be his own boss becomes so overwhelming sometimes that we fear we're gonna starve the next day. (okay, exaggeration.) Don't forget he's the sole breadwinner of the family. My sister is getting married soon, and that also means I'm going to lose her as well.. soon to a Gan family.

If I can just suck thumb and swallow that up, well I must be some kind of freaking divine. Just to add, alot of people no longer talk to me once I entered NS. Even though the friends I make in NS way compensates for those lost, the people who now don't really talk to me are those I used to care for. Used to. Used to worry for. Talk to. COunsel. Teach. All these are just flushed down the freaking drain. Spanking clean. Now I finally understand the true meaning of the army cheer we sing almost everyday, "I don't wanna live an army life! I just want to lead a simple life!"

FUCK YOU. PATHETIC LITTLE BASTARDS/BITCHES WHO DON'T EVEN GIVE A SHIT. FUCK YOU AND YOUR ATTITUDE.

13^th May 2006

Hello! First time two consecutive blog entries! I've got the urge baby, because it's been somewhat a happy day. This might be one of out of very few bloging about my daily happenings, simply because it's worth sharing. The day started at 5.30am. I had to go down to Selarang camp for this Chemical Biological Radiological Explosive Unit (CBRE, what a mouthful) at 36/39 SCE for some selection test. You must have seen those idiot looking puffy suits that make you think that normal army gear FBO are the lightest things on earth. Those marshmallow looking suits cost a bomb, okay, it protects you from them too. It's 20kilos without the oxygen tank, and easily exceeds 40 with the oxygen tank on. Insanity. Imagine running up and down staircases - which I did, and doing a stupid IQ puzzle at the end. The visor i.e. the glass piece in front of my face was so fogged out by the time i reached the final station I couldn't make out what I was doing. haha. Doesn't matter, for those kind of anti-terrorist heroism is not for me.

The day was a rush.. I actually went to Tanah Merah MRT toilet to change from smart no 4 (i.e. the army uniform with short sleeves) to normal go-out attire. In 9 mins I was done, fumbling for the phone and ramming the keys to get to Qin Fang mei. haha. She was in city hall! Bingo. So I suggested walking around with her for a while. It was only a 30 min walk around citylink, but there was simply so much to talk about between the both of us. Talk about telepathy and closeness. Ha. Definitely she turned prettier, but still an ideal target for making fun as before. For that 30 mins I live free, happy, and glad, for she is one of those girls I really love from my heart. As a sister of course. So don't get me wrong. What's more, it has been 4 months since I last saw her, so it's quite an experience.

The good stuff doesn't just end there! High tea at Goodwood Park Hotel. Bliss. Fondue. Western Pastries. Ice Cream. Croquettes. Caviar. Salami Nibbles. Mini Pizzas. Not the stuff to fill your stomach, but the mild sweetness and delicate nature of these foods makes you feel loaded.. not physically but in your pockets. It's class - the ambience (pronounced em-bee-ounce), the German-chinaware (what an irony), the music, the service, and the spotlight.. THE FOOD. Wonderful afternoon tea it was. It does burns holes in pockets. Indulgence comes at a price.

The fun doesn't just end there. I went to Sim Lim with the folks, chanced to see the SOny Ericsson S700i.. You know.. the first twist phone. It's nice la, and it's one of only 3 CCD camera phones. All you monkeys are using subgrade though energy saving CMOS cameras (yes, that 2.0Megapixel one is still subgrade). Guess what the shopowner said? 520 wtf? That's seriously a cut throat price la! The adventure continues with a sudden voice when I was walking aimlessly around.
"Eh, never see me ar."
It was 2LT Glen Chia, my previous platoon commander. It's interesting how fate works. Really. A short catch up session began, though most of the time I was looking at his girl. I wouldn't say she's hot or anything, just very plain jane. AS in, her looks are average, but her dress sense is a little outlandish.

Okay, enough of adventures of Mathew. I just got an sms from Melswee for Mother's Day. How sweet. Wishing all mothers a happy mother's day - you all deserve it for all the hard work you all went thru!

12^th May 2006

I love BoA. I love my dotters so much. Haha. Enough said. The girl behind is BoA, in case you didn't know. It's a screenshot from the background song's MTV, with a little touch up and tweaking of course.

It's been another week or so already. Just been through one of my exercises i.e. field camp. It's very tiring, especially when you're the commander. Sleep is somewhat an unheard word down here, and believe me, Tekong mosquitoes have the reputation of being the most deadly. I'm beginning to see why we're forced to take Meflorin tablets (anti Malaria pills to the layman). Let me tell you folks who've no idea. Mosquitoes in tekong are combat trained. I've seen mosquitoes drill through my army uniform and poke me in my arm. Aedes mosquitoes in the morning and Andopheles mosquitoes at night. Dengue vs Malaria. Let's see who is the lucky one haha.

Something happened today, and it's been repeated how many umpteen times. It's almost a vicious cycle. Breakage. Swearing. New guy. Breakage. Life is all about that? You gotta be kidding. Life's more to that. Army made me learn that the a partner of the opposite is not a necessity. Not suggesting homosexuality though. But thing is, there are more important people that need my attention. My parents who till today support me care for me, my blood sister, and all those good friends that pray for me and care truly for me. I don't ask much from people. I only want people to keep their word for everything they say. That's it. Someone that breaks her trust will not easily get off the blacklist. Petty? Everything has trust in its foundation. Once it collapses, the pillar is gone, the infrastructure.. well, BOOM. Not going to rant further. It wastes my precious bandwidth of the site.

2 more weeks and I'm a free man! I can't wait!

6^th May 2006

Everybody loves to bitch and moan. It's almost an inbuilt humane ability that spans across ages and centuries of human civilisation. A single mindset of disagreement can easily lead to an argument, uprest, and in more extreme circumstances, war. Let's not talk about the big picture. People all around us are guilty of complaining of the simplest and most trivial. Yups, that's you and me included pal. We groan about traffic conditions, curse and swear at the teacher who gave you more work, threatening to kill the OC who acts in a bastardy way, and so on. To make things worse, homo sapiens as young as less than a year old moan about a wet diaper.

It's not that I want to make a big hoo-haa out of this, but thing is, perhaps if everybody just shut up, suck thumb, and move on, the world would be a better place. It doesn't make sense keeping mum about obvious happenings that seem to contradict morals, but it jolly well makes LESS sense bitching about every single mishappening. Imagine that everyone complains by writing a letter for every mishappening or misfortune they encounter, whoa, even all the hard disks, flash drives, DVDs or whatever storage system in the world combined would be enough for Singaporeans alone. Okay, exaggeration. But take a look at blogs like Xiaxue, and those of teenage girls, and you'll realise they all commit the same crime of clogging up the damned internet. Have you ever wondered how much the net slows down nowadays? It ain't your ISP, so don't blame em. Blame bloggers like us who bitch and moan and clog up your friendly internet neighbourhood.

Enough of this junk already. Time for some snapshots of my life. Went to IMM to look for some furniture for my sister, caught up with Huimin jie and watched M:I III. That about sums up today. Tomorrow is book in day, and it seems like I'm already dreading it from now. Not bitching, but just something I don't really look forward to, especially when my first field camp in sispec charlie is coming..

5^th May 2006

I just came back from camp, many thanks to the upcoming elections - something that's out of the blue, but makes you feel very thankful. This week has been quite eventful, and I don't want to elaborate much.. probably cos i'm too tired to. Half dying, abrasion wounds and yes extreme fatigue. I've done my Charlie 16km which was a fast march rather than a route march, and I've passed my Civil Defence package. Tear gas, by the way, doesn't only make you tear but also scorches your face till you can't see. So yah. next week, it's hello Tekong again, with our field camp. I don't know what to expect, but I heard it's gonna be tough. Hope I survive!

29^th April 2006

Perhaps I should make a change. It's the 3rd one with BoA's picture. Her voice has been accompanying me since the start of my specialist trainee term at Pasir Laba, and she's been tiding me over the worst periods of my life: Shiong training, no breaks, no admin time, and worse still, jungle proning and lack of sleep. A combination of that would easily mean knockout for the average joe. Her songs somewhat calms me down, soothes the soul, and gives me the power to move on.

It has been only a week since my last bookout, but it already seems like a month. Perhaps it's the long outfield that starts before daybreak and ends just before midnight. Believe me, the terrain isn't all that wonderful as SOP has promised. It's rocky, thorn-y (there's no such word. ha.) and filled with Aedes Mosquito. READ: Aedes Mosquitoes. Those zebra-mosquito cross-breeds.. which carry the most dreaded Dengue fever. I hope I won't end up as one of the "lucky" ones though. Then again, despite all these obstacles, I've finished most of the stuff I need to know on section training. Somewhat.

I was thinking of meeting alot of people this weekend bookout, for it's a 3 day holiday. I won't waste it away on people who simply didn't really bother if I went anywhere or went missing, a mistake i committed last time. I should just spend quality time who appreciate my presence. I may be speaking like some casanova who goes out with girls very often, but believe me, I don't. I only go out with those few whom I'm close with. And it's not a go out but rather a meet-up. Just to catch up. So shut up. After all these ups, and downs, one thing's for sure. I'm not a damn flirt. So yeah.

I'll be off for now, till the next entry!

22^nd April 2006

[Adapted from a written entry]
I would love to brag about today's happenings, or rather, yeseterday's happenings. because it's already past midnight. The day before I was still trying to calm myself down, I felt extremely awful that I wasn't allowed to bookout on Saturday due to a retest. Helo? It's a university admission damn it. Not some joker trying to smoke his way through training ya noe.. I was told to find the OC.

In came the OC part. I was thinking about how small the chances were that I can successfully get out, He did, unexpectedly, but thing is, when I returned back to company line, I was told to book out at 6.30am. Like, it's only a few hours away from the start of the freaking interview! Though, I wish to say that it's just another one of those pros and cons thing. I will analyse later.

And guess what? The idiocracy doesn't just stop there. Section 3 was getting screwed from the start to end.. with no apparent reason. Okay truth be told, there was a reason, but not something that requires hurling of expletives as though they were blank rounds. Wei sheng was late and slow for almsot everything. Eating, sleeping, falling in, technical handling, and ... more. The thing is he doesn't seem to learn anything - even being LSC doesn't help at hastening his pathetic pace of doing things. It's already past one whole month, and yet it seems that he's simply bo chap rather than being safely labelled a slow-learner.

I would seriously love to share a little relevation. Trainees are like men. They need to be encouraged, motivated, loved and cared for in order for them to comply with commander's instructions. Personally I feel that constant and repetitive verbal lashings do nothing but promotes rebelling and incompliance. THe worst part of all? It gives men a low morale. And low morale eventually leads to unwillingness to obey orders. A vicious cycle will hence commence, alternating between verbal whacking, low morale, and low performance. Who's to suffer? The commanders themselves of course.

The hierachy is seriously just a ladder.. When the first person up there snaps his rung, he falls and lands on the person behind. THe process simply continues much like a pack of dominoes (click.. clicli cli cli cli cli click.) And where does all these come from? The inability of the commander to care for their trainees when they need the most. It simply brings back one question, are they fit and correctly-trained to be commanders?

A point to make, i was actually lucky to get out at 6.30, simply cos of a) the rain, b) the takan-ing by sergeant, and c)ability to catch some sleep, and lastly (yes I used two &s) d) time to pack. So yah, things alwaes comes in pairs - good and bad. And I still got SOC next week. God Bless Me.

15^th April 2006

It's been damn long since I last loaded up an entry. Not that anyone cares to read or whatnot, for the blog is just somewhere I express my thoughts. Currently I'm in a damn awful mood, simply because I might be called down tomorrow for guard duty - something you won't want to have on a beautiful sunday. it's only a few hours earlier than the rest, but I don't want to do that. Reason? My buddy is the one who's getting punished (believe me, the reason is crap), but I'm not willing to suffer in his place. Selfish I know, but who doesn't want a peaceful Sunday afternoon not in camp?

Anyway, life has been quite alright in Charlie company. Other than the occasional jokes about the bus poster from the movie, which reads "Charlie is lucky to be here." Amen to that. Not that I've converted myself into a saddist, but I've learnt to take life easy - the hard way. Just to clarify, and to entertain those who have no idea what army language is like, here's a sneak peek, but don't say where it came from. Here goes, army language 101:
*Kangaroo Kanna/Tio Spotlight: used to describe a stunned face, often after shocking news. e.g. Wah, look at that guy, here got confinement then his face liddat, kangaroo kanna spotlight.
*SISPEC: short for school of infantry specialists, or informally, Suffer In Silence and Prepare for Extra Confinement.
*Extra: 1)Refers to extra duty, mostly due to mistakes committed that are not paramount. e.g. Wah sian, forget to bring pen then kanna extra. 2)Redundant acts; doing of redundant and additional work e.g. Eh you know you damn extra not
*Chiong Suah: means to bash through and do all sorts of physical training e.g. I heard OCS is all chiong suah one, true not?
*Book In/Book Out: used to describe the entering and leaving of camp; its usage comes from the book in/book out book, a book to be signed for such purposes e.g. Ho Seh ar, tomorrow bookout liao.
*Fuck you understand: A common term used by sergeants, especially Malay, to express anger towards a trainee's mistake. e.g. You don't know how to fire, fuck you understand?!
*Stand by Area/Bed/Universe: the latter is most feared, all mean cleaning of the area for inspection e.g. Eh 0700 standby area!
*Reville: wake-up time e.g. 0530 Reville, understand?
*Strip Weapon: Take out the parts of /Disassemble a weapon. E.g. Firers, strip fifle!
*AGR: ability group run, meaning running constantly and at hell of a pace for 25mins.
I think that's about it. I'm seriously very tired. If I'm free tomorrow I'll blog again. Ciaos! P.S. i lub u too dotter! (:

26 ^th March 2006

Life is Charlie company is close to insanity. Insanity is a term used for OCS, not sispec. So close. THe officer commanding is truly a freak. He jokes around and yet he's an asshole. Imagine other companies coming out of camp as early as 12.30pm, while stayed until 1930 hrs. Yes. Alot of difference. Tonight I go in at 8.15pm. They go in at 10. Sometimes it's really ridiculous why I had to suffer so much when at the end of the course we're all getting the same rank. The standby before we left was horrid. THings thrown all over, and lots of push-ups. Sorry for this avalanche of army terms - I'm in no mood to decipher them for you. Ask around and you'll get it. Charlie company has been reputed as the most crazy company in the whole of SISPEC. Shit already happened. So all we have to do is just suck thumb and move on. I'm getting ready to miss a whole bunch of people.

Enough of army stuff already. I think it will bore people to death. Anyway in the midst of hard training I was talking to Gerlaine on the phone. Sometimes teachers can seriously be bastards - especially when all they wish for is to keep their freaking rice bowls. What about the future of the student? They just don't care for their students. They screw up their future, and yet they get away, while the poor 16 year old struggles on with life. Selfish that's what I think. Perhaps the whatever NIE crap should teach teachers (ironic huh) what ethics are.

19^th March 2006

I got the latest posting results. I was going to SISPEC: School of Infantry Specialists. I know, alot of people thought I would have ended up in OCS Officer school, so did I. But I didn't. I'm somehow having mixed feelings over this news. I'm glad I don't have to undergo such strenuous amount of mental torture and whatnot, though I'm quite disappointed despite doing well in SIT test and whatever I was not cut out to be an officer. Oh well, guess life is never left without a speck of irony. I'll be gone tomorrow, embarking on a new phase of NS life. TIll the next entry, which I think wouldn't be anytime soon, all the best and take good care!

16^th March 2006

I'm back! Ha. From a short trip to HongKong. Finally I've some time to settle down and upload the hundreds of pics I've took in the past week or so. So, sit tight, don't grip the mouse too hard, and watch the photos! Note that the pictures are optimised i.e. compressed, so the quality is quite lousy. If you want can order them from me. First up would be pictures from my passing out parade

Next up will be some civilian wear pictures:




[edit]Today has never been a more tiring and waste time day. Early in the morning I found myself at the doctor's place.Apparently she gave me some medicine to cure me, yet in the end my cough got worse. The flam was gone indeed, but the coughing was terrible. I've no idea if that's a trade off or what.

Just to sidetrack a little, I am feeling very lethargic, yet filled with emotions. At Hong Kong I visited my grandmas. My paternal grandma is already showing signs of parkinson's, and my uncle painstakenly took her to meet us at restaurant. After the dinner, I walked her back to the bus interchange. The rest simply walked ahead. I tried not to look at her, for that might easily hurry her on. She's already limping with her walking stick. I just looked elsewhere as I paced her throughout. The distance isn't very long, but I could see how hard she's trying to catch up with the rest. At the end of the journey, she told me "Ngou zai (little cow in cantonese), please take care." "I'll be back in 2 years, not to worry." "I don't think I can wait until then." The last sentence struck me, I almost wanted to cry. I uttered "You must wait for me." I don't know if this will be the last time I'll be walking the distance with her, neither would I know if she's still there when i return another 2 years down the road. But I still felt that short walk isn't enough, and I'm not filial enough to truly care for her.

I also went to visit my grandfather's grave. I can't help it. Everytime I glance at the photo there's an inner gush of emotions. I can't help but cry out loud. It's really saddening, I tried to control many times so that I won't affect my mother, but I can't. I'm too emotional a person. Rationale isn't a word for me then. I miss him so much. Every time I return I would be invited into the house by him, and him asking me how my studies were. Every time I call back I would hear both his and my grandma's voice. Since 2002 I didn't. Since my birthday that year. The year my birthday turned into something not worth celebrating. The day I cried not in joy but in ultimate sorrow and sadness.

I wanted to venture out today, walk around in the malls of Orchard, but it seems the drowsy medicine is holding me back. I slept the whole damn day. I asked a few people if they were available, but most of them aren't. So too bad, perhaps it's best I stay at home, rest, before I go out again tomorrow.

I noticed that my social circle is very much dwindling. Not because I'm losing friends, but I kind of lost interest in talking to people online. I ask about their welfare and some basic stuff. In essence, I've run out of things to say to people. I don't know if this is a sign of depression or whatnot, but the thing is, I yearn for replies. So badly, that it's instinctive to reach for my phone every now and then. I don't sms people that often nowadays, for I don't see much point. Unless they really care, I won't get any messages, so why would I bother. I know I sound really depressed. Maybe it's the effect of medicine.. Maybe it's just me, my psycho health is perhaps dipping past rock bottom levels. I guess I'll have to tide through this period.[/edit/]

11^th March 2006

Finally I've completed my Basic Military Training. BMT is done and over with, and I've become a private than a stupid recruit. The actual day was full of stunts and fun. It all started with a massive sabotage mission on one of our bunk mates.. someone who is preoccupied with his phone and never participates in cleaning of the room. The infuriation built up over a period of 2 months was so immense that it took a gigantic mission to ridicule him. The best part? He din get injured badly, yet a few of our men suffered cat scratch wounds. As you can understand from the word cat wounds, you'll be able to decipher the tactics this pathetic guy used to defend himself. What a pussy.

The day continued with the parade and stuff. Quite usual for me, but apparently some guy from another company fainted, which was quickly accompanied by gasps of disbelief by the audience at the grandstand. I could almost anticipate if another guy falls, all the parents will rush down to the parade square. That about summarises the major happenings that day.

Passing out parade marks the end of BMT, but it also signals the end of a babysitting period. It also marks the end of living with a bunch of your new buddies, which is kind of sad actually. There's an old chinese saying "there's never a ball that never ends", so perhaps it's time to move on to future postings. Indeed, 2 months is really short, but the shit we went through (those who are in my company would know the incident by heart), takan-ing session and whatnot, are easily snapshots of life that will keep inside us. Everytime someone mentions about NS the times in BMt will roll out like steam roller, and the many happenings and silly antics will come like a sweet cup of coffee - the aftertaste is still wonderful.

I'm flying off to Hong Kong in a few hours time, so in the mean time, do take care, I'll blog more about it when I return!

5^th March 2006

Ah. Finally the day has arrived. The book in - book out day. Same day coming out and same day going back in. It's a cute experience really, for you get to keep the whole day out of camp and just go back to sleep. I'm not getting perversed views of life, but sometimes it's always better to look on the brighter side of life.

Took some time on the computer blog surfing. Went around reading their trivialities of everyone's life. Never have I found so much interest in the day-to-day journal entries, which were dismissed as excessive dramatic accounts of life's atrocities. Perhaps it's because everyone else seems to have a "LIFE", or has more "LIFE" than me. My life has been reduced to 0530 0545 0630 and so on, followed by acronyms like AGR SOC IPPT and whatever. Terms alien to the civilian world has become daily greetings to fellow recruits.

BMT is already drawing to a close. I spent my first birthday in camp. It's nothing to be worth celebrating, for something happened on the same day some time ago, which I don't wish to elaborate[ ): ]. For these three years it has been spent on 3 locations. 3 schools. RJC NJC BMTC. The last one's not a college, but well the Cs simply make it up. On wednesday I will become a private (that's a rank folks.). I'm still finding it hard to get accustomed to being the lowest rung ("rank" as pronounced by some japs) in the military "food chain". Oh well, guess I'll have to work my way up once again.

^st March 2006

This is one of the most meaningful and stressful judgement days in my life. The results wasn't pleasing at all, in fact, it was totally disgusting. Outrageously I obtained nothing more than a couple of Bs and Cs. No As? Yes no As. Unbelievable? Very. How many hours have I toiled myself in the midst of exam papers from numerous schools? How many so-called TYS have I gone through? How many sample essays have I read? NUMEROUS. It's insanely waste of effort. I've no more words left for this disgusting scene. I wonder the various "spotting" events of the tutors work for the new syllabus. I've said enough.

Thanks to whoever who comforted me during this daunting day. Especially to those who came purposely to me to ask how I was. It's really touching. Thank you Rachel. Thank you Vicky. Thank you Lauren. And as for those who smsed me comforting messages, you probably did way better than me, so here's congratulation to you. Make sure you choose your course of study correctly and hope you can get to where you want.

I doubt I can get into the course I want, those who know me well would know where I want to go. Pharmacy. Looks like pharmacist and whatever drug dealing crap is not the life for me. So too bad. Perhaps psychology or social science is the way to go for me. Indeed, it is quite hilarious to see myself attaining more than a C for my maths, but it's appalling to see my most proud subject economics getting a pathetic C. Oh well, you can't have everything in life can you?

19^th February 2006

I was struck with awe the moment the OC announced the end of our field camp and our outrageous bookout timing on Wednesday. 7 days camping outside isn't very long, but it is really a memorable experience. Friends and foes are so distinctly separated from each other in the week that draws many conclusions about who your buddy and your dead enemies are. People who help you immediately when you need help. People who rush to help you fill up your ever-green water bottle. Others who sat down feeling tired and refusing to cooperate. Selfish behaviour. There's a whole treasure chest, or rather, Pandora's box opened during the duration.

I've found many true friends. Friends who stuck and stand up for each other, support each other, and assist one another. There are of course others who make silly mistakes that could have caused disastrous scenarios. On the darker side, there are those who simply didn't bother when you asked for help, and those who simply let the rest do the dirty job. We shall see, for peer appraisal is just around the bend.

NS has indeed transformed my life. Conformity, for one, has been upped to a level never seen before. Resistance and endurance is something you will learn, albeit the hard way. You learn to shut your mouth up when the situation doesn't call for it, and to minimize any further damage due to your wrong doing. Learn to admit your mistakes and face the music like a man. Our platoon used to have a motto "Be a man, do the right thing." It lacks punch, but it does mean alot of the things in camp is a medium of transformation. Maturity doesn't come overnight. It comes with pain, tears, sorrow, hard work, and of course, the environmental and social influences.

5^th February 2006

Time really flies. In the haste of army we're already in the month of February. The past week was much of a gift, with two whole days of shooting and a simple workout that concludes the Saturday with an early book out. Home has never been a better place since I left to join the army. Just simply watching television or talking to people on the phone synchronised with lazing on the bed can be such a bliss.

Sometimes it has got me to wonder sometimes, if it's really worth the time to say hi to people everyday online or via messages. I don't know if they really want to hear that I'm okay, or is it that "you're in army I know, don't tell me further" feeling.

Abstinence does make your heart fonder. I was in the process of dating a girl, but army almost wrestled her out of my life. Indeed, I can't expect that much, for the wait may prove to be quite a long time for a girl. So I guess it's perfectly alright. I'm okay without a girl.

In the army you learn all kinds of things, be it good or bad. A few weeks without a woman in sight (other than that auntie at the cookhouse or canteen in lay man's terms) makes a normal and innocent guy into somewhat of a monster. Every single session on the MRT might easily turn into a babe-gazing session, especially so for those who aren't attached. Perhaps it's fine time to exercise some self-control. I don't have to, for during the stay at the camp I've been talking to many good girl friends, so it's not the case for me. Hopefully.

I'll be off for a 2-week consecutive training there at Tekong, so the next entry won't be anytime soon. I won't even be online this week, for I'll be somewhat in the middle of the artificial forest of Tekong doing all kinds of stupid stuff. So do take care during this period whoever who reads this. Till then, may the people above be watching out for you.

30^th January 2006

It's the second day of the new year. And two days more to book in. This holiday has been less fruitful in enjoyment, but it has fulfilled the most important wish, to spend more time at home with my family. I've never felt this before for quite some time, and it seems that it's a sudden revelation after a couple of weeks in military confinement.

I've been reading some blog entries of others lately, and perhaps it has intensified the strong emotions I have. I've read about the funny antics of VIcky and her family - little snippets of her day-to-day life that are extremely interesting. Not the kind that provokes thoughts, but the through protrayal of love of her own family is littered around the whole blog. Something I want to achieve, but I've not reached that state of mind as yet. The other entry I saw was from Rachel, who seemed to be worried about her dad remarrying another woman. It's quite unfortunate, really, that such things have to happen to a small girl like her. It may jolly well be reasons for those weak souls out there who seek suicide the moment some obstacle crops out. Fear not rachel, for something good will be around the corner. Should you be reading this let me know. The other blogs I went were Yingru's and Dinesh's. It's interesting how my name appears there. Not that it boosts my ego, but I'm just glad that there are still people who know of my existence. Dinesh, well, he seems to be having such a hectic week.

The main thing is, everyone has his or her fair share of problems, and blogging seems to be the best outlet to make yourself heard. What's more important that I noticed on this blog hopping journey is how important your family is, yet despite the gravity of it, many just take it for granted, until the time it's no longer there. Then you start regretting. Mind you, your family is something that doesn't change. Not even a divorce cert between your parents can change it. Your relatives, your family, your grandparents. None of those things can change. And they are the people you can really trust. I don't pity those who lost some of the family by natural or unnatural causes, and I don't think they need any either. The fact that they are still here simply depicts their mental strength. The will to live on for their deceased love ones. The will to continue their last wishes before they be called home. Rather, I despise and pity those who treat family like dirt, shouting at their parents, almost extorting money from the hands that fed them, and those who ditch their parents once they grow old.

I can't really say I'm a filial kid, but at least now I understand the importance of a family. So please, those who still have rather intact families, treasure them while you can, don't be in a position to regret later on in life. Extravagant funerals do not even scrape the surface of undoing the sins and wrongs you've committed to the deceased.

29^th January 2006

Happy Chinese New Year! It's the long awaited holiday since my enlistment. As mentioned, the two weeks of adjustment is over, and the real action begins. Action in the sense of more punishments meted out, more chargeable offences, more ridiculous orders and more redundancies. The week has been spent much on some basic training, which I am not allowed to elaborate here. In essence it just trains some weapon skills. With the introduction of more indoctrination and hallucinations, the line between fact and half-truths lay thinner and thinner. In fact, some of the things my commanders said already begin to blur with what I heard from people. It seems that NS not only burrows your ego to the depths but also your analytical skills. Though I must emphasize that the training is so far quite enjoyable, and are reminiscent of what I've learnt in my NCC days. Relevant, but not totally useful knowledge I would say. Hoepfully I don't have to put all that I learn into use, I'm still not quite ready to die for a cause..

23^rd January 2005

I'm typing this in quite a hurry, since my last update was quite some time ago. Army was fine so far, though I expect the worse to come soon, since our 2 weeks adjustment period is over, and the gruelling training programme would begin. I don't know what to expect, though the mentality I'm adopting is count each day as it passes. Staying at home has never been thought as a luxury until this month, and everyday spent at home is considered the best reward after close to 2 weeks of confinement.

I'm beginning to understand how the subject of NS binds people from all backgrounds together. We all come from different schools and family backgrounds, and if we work together everything's fine. My section mates are a wonderful bunch of people to be with, with some stupid surveys conducted while lying in bed after lights out (i.e. bedtime). It's interesting how NS bonds people together, and perhaps in future this could jolly well be lifelong friends, that last till the day we die. Indeed NS so far has been an enriching experience, though at times I really wished I could turn back time and fulfill things I should have before I enter. Still, it's always better to look ahead and observe what's coming, rather than stalling in motion and begin on a journey of reminsce... and regret. Till my next update, anyway reading please take good care, I'll be online everyday via my phone. See you.

4^th January 2005

This will be my entry that consolidates the previous year and bid farewell to my blog ... at least for a period of a month or so. It might undergo a certain facelift when I return, and I'm not cancelling the possibility of a podcast, since I don't have the time to type thoughts.

I started my blog in the year 2003 in a bid to join the mass blogging wagon, a phenomenon that was relatively slow to pick up locally despite its 'successes' in the other side of the globe. The language I used then were nothing short of the one used at the hawker centre or whatnot, it's grammatically incorrect, and infested with grosteque language errors. I wonder what was hovering in my mind then, poking fun at every single thing? In essence, it was a plain childish ranting of everyday events, just to join in the fun so-to-speak. The site was plain, horrid looking in fact, with the use of frames which were oh-so-hot then. Here's a screenshot of version two: which is quite long ago in case you've been wondering.

The format pretty much remained the same in this reincarnation, and the next..

This was inspired by WIndows Slate Theme, an upcoming theme used in Windows Avalon (previously named Longhorn).

After this episode would be a much more formal form of writing. It's more literary, and is much more formal writing. The basis of writing is to show my feelings for a particular subject matter and continuing to use numerous adjectives to describe it. At best, I think it's just an attempt to sound abit more profound. There you go, Version 5. Notice that it's very very plain.

It was almost immediately replaced with a more striking fuego, or flame in latin. Note that I've changed my tagbox to a more stable cbox, which I still use today.

Here comes a much more daring design. Manipulation of pieces of html here and there to get a complete picture. Perhaps it's some coding error, but the background of the middle blog entry doesn't stay put =/

After this was a total revamp, employing the use of the common division code in html. The result? A much sleaker and more defined layout, though the language wise wasn't much changed. Version 7 was lost, no idea where, but most probably it was something similar to this one.

After this one, I've adopted the use of an embedded windows media player, and a live playlist. The playlist often resulted in an exceeding of the bandwidth allocated. But the design wise was more streamlined. After all, it was designed on the RX-8, and the neon glow in the background was custom, thanks to photoshop.

After this would be a total change. I've seen numerous blogs, and they are all templates available online. It's really interesting (and sometimes annoying) to see two people with the same exact layout. You tell the person, and hey presto, she changes to another one, and again it coincides with some other people. It's so standard. Little girl in a small frame smacked in the middle, navigation at the side, be it crosses, hearts, stars and all the gurlish stuff. Not my cup of tea obviously. I went to burrow myself in Flash forums, seeking assistance. And in this particular version, codenamed X, is the first fully-featured flash blog. Not optimised, and takes darn long to load, but it was well worth the effort:

After that I wanted more. More animation. More daring designs. So I went on to learn animation. Flashing signal lights, and custom shadows and real-time reflections off the metallic surface. Took alot of time. Content wise was changed, I've started writing on current affairs and general viewpoints about issues, rather than focussing on the trivialities of life. Not just sounding profound, but it is to reflect some thoughts I have about the wretched world we live in. Another addition to the blog would be changeable boxes with custom animation. Something nice to look at, but took almost a few hours to animate:

Another creation was inspired by the Walkman phone, which raised some controversy over the dominance of Sony in the 50-50 merger with the European Ericsson brandname. It was too cutesy, and the orange is too bright. The bubbles float up at random, but it's something better done with Java or VBscript. Flash is just too inefficient.

People who played this game known as Need For Speed Most Wanted would know exactly where this idea came from. The startup screen was made to simulate the real thing. The smoke spews from the exhaust of the Carrera GT, and the arrows flash. It was abit quiet though. No music or revving of the engine. Something I wanted to do, but I'm afraid I'll run into copyright problems.

The new album of Jay Chou gave me two separate ideas for a blog. One would fit the theme of faruxue, which was set in an olden chinese teahouse scene. So there was some chinese design around the words and calligraphy written animation at the site that depicted the song name. The other would be a story like animation of lang man shou ji, or romantic mobile phone.

The latest one would be the one you're currently viewing. Another one based on Most Wanted, including original music tracks. It's simple, yet the graffiti theme permeated thruout the design, with brushed borders at the side.In essence, there were 14 designs in the period of two years. Not alot, compared to melswee who had like 29 to date or something. Though, do note that with each version revision, the design is changed, and now, I seem to be one of the few people who uses flash and hidden media player to make their blog. It's also not hosted by some blogging site that often are down for maintenance. Hosting on a business server is not only more reliable, but gives me more flexibility than before. Blogging has been somehow a part of me. Perhaps it is a part of a learning process, and a look inside the mirror for myself. It is an html protrayal of my character, my habits, and my personality. It has took me past my childish years and has been my venue of outsourcing (popular word nowadays) my anger, appreciation, desolation, depression, realistic expectations and so on.

This is going to be a long entry. It will be ending piece, at least for now. It's been really long, indeed, and this is the first entry of the year. Year of the dog, and it is also the year I enter National Service. SOmething to be done by all 18 year olds living in Singapore (not including those leaches that leach our education and get out of here.). It may not sound extremely noble, since it is mandatory, but I certainly feel honoured to serve the country that fed me. In this current world, where globalisation fuels both economic development and ironically riots concurrently (just when economic hardship is the mainstaying reason why people riot, other than our good Oceania neighbour). No one talks about patriotism - it's usually spoon fed, taught or brainwashed into people. How many people are truly patriots, willing to die for a country and "fight to the last man"? I'm sure not all will, verbally yes, but realistically no. Hell no.

It will be a couple of weeks till I appear online again. So this entry is also dedicated to the people who come to my blog now and then to read about my crap. Thank you for being there, and your tags! Wonderful words that sink into my heart. Sometimes I just read them from the start and I reminsce the feelings I had when I first read them. Before you go, perhaps go through the blog screenshots again, and see if you've seen it all, or just the recent few. If you've seen the first one, or the second, maybe I should give you a hug and kiss or something because those were useless rantings and you supported me even then. Haha.

Life has been good, and those little beings (yea, little you are fellors) above seem to be doing a good job so far. I've got a bunch of friends I can really talk to in times of trouble, brothers who stood by me when I fall, my sisters who lifted me up when I was down, and yes especially my primary school mates, who I only recently contacted regularly. (Yes Wallace you too.) Alright homies. All the best in your studies and future. We'll meet again someday, and you might see a new blog altogether. Who knows, it might be totally my voice and nothing else. Or even DJ-ing. Haha. Endless crap. Oh wells. Do take care. Catch all of you later. Signed, kissed, chopped and delivered, mathew 2006.